


heavy lies the crown

by WildConcerto



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: (which doesn't mix well), ... and is also a complete ass, Ben Solo Tries to Supreme Leader Properly, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Flashbacks, Force Bond and Beyond, M/M, Major Character Death is straight in the summary :(, Mother-Son Relationship, People Trying To Get Their Shit Together: A Fanfiction, Poe is an asshole who means well, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, VERY one-sided Damerey (it won't last for too long I promise), let's talk about weird force/jedi/sith sects because if ben had to read about that so do we, rating will go up when there'll be smut, tags will be added accordingly, tros? don't know her
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-09
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-12 22:34:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 22,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23085826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WildConcerto/pseuds/WildConcerto
Summary: After the death of General Organa, the Force Bond between Rey and Ben manifests itself again, only to force them in an ever-evolving situation in which they are forced to rely more and more on each other.
Relationships: Finn/Rose Tico, Kylo Ren/Rey, Poe Dameron/Original Male Character(s), Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 89
Kudos: 77





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello people, it's me again! So TROS, huh? Anyway, here's my own spin on how it could have gone down, and I hope those who'll stop by to read will like it. 
> 
> Also, I'll do my very best for updates to happen on Mondays. I cannot guarantee anything, though, because university is a bitch. 
> 
> I would also give a shout-out thing to the little fanfic support group I am part of, who gave me incredible support and feedback for this - you girls are awesome.

She was a symbol, a paragon of virtue, a goddess, in fact – but they could have replaced her with a hologram, and it would’ve been just the same.

The Resistance had insisted on her standing near Leia’s coffin, just beside Poe. Of course, the solemnity required for such an occasion made any kind of joking inappropriate, but Rey had heard more than one whisper that she and General Dameron would be a lovely couple. It made the moment seem so jarring Rey felt nauseous. She kept repeating to herself that it was teasing and nothing more, but it was still a struggle to keep herself from lashing out at some of them.

Everyone looked at her through the entire ceremony, grim figures dressed in dark mourning garb, while she had been forced to dress in white as if she was royalty. It was a dress, with very little ornaments, and a skirt and sleeves long enough to give her a train; it was perhaps something they had found in General Organa’s wardrobe, effectively making her the second coming of Luke Skywalker and Leia Organa all at once to the strangers surrounding her. At that last thought, her unease at being center stage only grew. 

Somehow, she felt like an usurper, and more alone than ever.

She was no Jedi, even if everyone insisted she was the last of her kind. She had left for Ahch-To only a few months ago, looking for answers and a purpose, only finding cryptic lessons, and the horrid feeling she knew nothing while believing the contrary for her entire life. But as of now, every expectation and every hope had fallen onto her, and she had no other choice but to swallow everything without having any say about it.

Just like how Luke represented hope, simply by being gone but with the illusion he’d come back, one day, and save them all – she was now the key to what would help them defeat the First Order, led by a mysterious shadow no more, but by the volatile Kylo Ren.

She barely paid attention to the ceremony, her gaze focused on the coffin. _ Too much noise_, she thought, while she felt the grief of everyone around her, and even systems away, of someone she would much rather forget about for the rest of her life.

The attack had come as swiftly as it had gone: of course, one of the first moves had been to bring all leaders to safety, considering the Resistance couldn’t afford losing any more of them. However, the TIEs bombing the base at Black Spire, on the planet of Batuu, was just a cover for the mission’s true purpose.

After all, who would have noticed an assassin slipping into the leadership’s refuge, only to take General Organa’s life and seemingly vanish into thin air?

At that moment, Rey was merely helping Rose ready ships to join the fight. She pushed that memory away, not wanting to relive the guilt of not having been able to save Leia. But it was probably nothing compared to the guilt Poe was probably experiencing. He had told them all how General Organa had felt the presence of the assassin coming for her, ordering everyone to back away, for their own safety. There would be no other sacrifices than hers that day.

And so, the assassin had done his deed, dodging every blaster shot fired at him and disappearing into the chaos.

A gentle nudge on her arm brought Rey back to the present. She let out a small cry, startled, and turned around, only to meet Poe’s concerned gaze.

“Is everything alright, Rey?” he asked. She nodded; her mind elsewhere, and proceeded to follow him into the crowd without another word. _ Too much noise_, she thought again, and a wail of despair, systems away, echoed through her mind, but she couldn’t cover her ears to block it.

She hated it. She hated _ him. _ She didn’t understand _ him_, and she hated being left in the dark. It wasn’t safe, and it meant she didn’t have full control of the situation, and on Jakku, that meant danger. She didn’t understand why _ he _was still such a mystery to her, after seeing such a clear vision of his future, and in the elevator –

No. She couldn’t think of _ him_.

Poe grabbed her hand to guide her in the crowd, while Rey held herself from snatching it away. She knew what the next chore was, anyway.

“Senator Vicly!” Poe cried. A female Loneran turned towards them, a kind smile on her face despite an otherwise sad countenance. She grabbed Poe’s hands, squeezing them tightly.

“It’s lovely to finally meet you, General Dameron,” Senator Vicly replied. “I do wish it was under less tragic circumstances.”

“General Organa had nothing but high praise for you,” said Poe, his voice slightly faltering. “May I also introduce Rey to you?” he continued, extending his arm towards Rey to include her in their circle. She forced herself to smile and give a small nod as a salutation. After all, there was only one reason why she had to accompany Poe.

“Rey was Master Skywalker’s apprentice for a time,” Poe said. Rey bit her tongue to push back the urge of correcting Poe by announcing that _ she was never really Luke’s apprentice, per se. _ Unless, of course, Jedi training was just something that happened over two or three days with nothing more than three lessons. “She is already quite strong in the Force, and she is a great asset to us all,” added Poe. For a split second, Rey wished to be six feet underground. This was just more of the Resistance’s almost-worship of her made public, and somehow, this was the most uncomfortable case of it yet.

Senator Vicly nodded. “Indeed. She must be an inspiration to all fighters.”

“She is, Senator,” Poe replied with a smile, looking towards Rey. She turned away, her jaw tight. There was something in Poe’s gaze she recognized all too well: she could only wish it was anything but _ that_.

Last time she had seen something similar, it was—

No, she couldn’t think of _ him_. Not now.

“However, Senator,” continued Poe, “there is another reason why we wish to speak to you.” Senator Vicly’s smile faded. She cleared her throat, looking around her nervously.

“I know what you came to me for,” she replied, her tone not devoid of any kindness. “Unfortunately, it won’t be possible. Not from me, and not from anyone here.”

Poe paled. “Senator, I’m not sure I understand—”

“The reason is quite simple, General Dameron,” said Vicly. “There is no New Republic anymore.”

“Senator, please,” argued Poe. “The Resistance needs help, more than ever. You say there is no New Republic, but our mission is to—”

“Yes, I know, General. I am aware of the cause you fight for. But it doesn’t mean other planets will be willing to help you.”

“The First Order is going to dominate all systems within weeks!” interjected Poe. “Senator, you must be aware that your own home world—”

“I understand you are all grieving, General,” Vicly interrupted him. “However, the attack on General Organa was the first attack the First Order conducted in weeks. For the most part, it has focused on developing and aiding the planets already under its control. We got a clear sign of big changes coming up just with the news about the Stormtrooper program getting dismantled.”

“What?”

At Rey’s interjection, Poe turned towards her in surprise. But she ignored him, her eyes hungry for more information. 

She had never experienced the horrors of the Stormtrooper program, but she had heard enough from Finn to know all about it – children kidnapped as toddlers from their families, trained and brainwashed from the beginning to be soulless soldiers, the complete domination of the First Order over the galaxy being their only purpose…

“My, I would have never imagined you were that cut off from the rest of the galaxy!” Vicly laughed. “The new Supreme Leader has put a halt to the… let’s call it...child recruiting program. It’s on a voluntary basis now.”

Poe chuckled. “Yeah, well, good luck finding anyone desperate enough to want to become a Stormtrooper.”

“You’d be surprised,” Vicly sighed. “Recruitment happens mostly on struggling planets. And nowadays, the Stormtroopers’ missions are mostly relief missions.”

There were other questions burning Rey’s tongue, but of course, she had to bite down all of them. It wasn’t like she was expected to speak much: Poe always _ loved _doing the talking part, anyway. 

“Senator Vicly,” Poe tried once again, but with a hint of hopelessness in his voice, “you were one of Leia’s closest friends during her tenure as Senator of New Alderaan. You mustn’t be the only one and--” 

Varish Vicly smiled to both of them kindly, but Rey could distinguish what seemed like pity-- pity for two naive children who had no idea of the outside world’s complexities. 

“I-- I understand most of you have joined the Resistance out of admiration for Leia. Believe me, even her enemies harbored admiration for her - she was nothing short of a war hero. But, you see--” Vickly cleared her throat in uneasiness. “I’ve seen more than one claim that she could never shake away the old Rebellion days. So… it pains me to say this, and especially in such tragic circumstances, but… there are many calling her a warmonger.” 

“A warmonger?” Poe interjected, the volume of his voice perhaps raising a bit too high. “For warning the New Republic about the First Order? And how did it end? With the Hosnian system getting destroyed? Have you already forgotten, Senator? And we destroyed Starkiller Base! Without us, the First Order--” 

Vicly grabbed Poe’s hand, patting them gently while casting nervous glances around her. Rey noticed with uneasiness that many attendants were glaring at them. She could hear some of the guests’ whispers - a few words here and there about General Dameron’s impulsiveness (“_I shouldn’t be speaking ill of the dead, but it’s no surprise Senator Organa designated him as his heir. I’ve heard he’s quite the trigger-happy type, and-- _”), but some were even talking about her. 

She reached through the Force, searching around for any chatter about her. 

_ “Who’s the girl? They treat her like she’s some sort of princess.” _

_ “One of Luke Skywalker’s students, I heard.” _

_ “Whatever happened to the old man? I was told he was dead.” _

_ “That, or he’s still hiding somewhere. I wouldn’t be surprised if he went crazy, too.” _

_ “So where is she from?” _

_ “Probably a nobody from nowhere they use for propaganda. They’re desperate. They’ll do anything, at this point.” _

Rey turned away, seething, holding back tears of rage. “Excuse me,” she blurted out to Poe and Senator Vicly. Before Poe could even attempt to hold her back, she ran away through the crew, ignoring without success glances going from curious to irritated. 

All she could see was her destination - her room in the cabin she shared with Finn and Rose, the closest thing she had to a home, despite the fact she felt more and more like an intruder. Finn and Rose were her closest friends, of course, but as warm as they were with her, Rey was all too aware she was a third wheel. 

Locking the door behind her, she removed the white dress in a haste and put on her everyday clothes, breathing more freely. She scanned her surroundings with the Force, making sure no one had followed her. 

A year earlier, if anyone had told Rey she would one day actively avoid the company of friends, she wouldn’t have believed a word of it. And yet… 

And yet, it was so strange to feel alone while being surrounded by so many. 

With her, Finn hadn’t changed: he was still the cheerful goofball she had met on Jakku, but around Rose, or even other Resistance members - he was _ such an adult_, and Rey still had trouble accustoming herself to the new Finn. Or perhaps that new Finn had always been there, and she didn’t know him as well as she thought she did. The latter thought made her dizzy - of course she knew Finn. Or perhaps Finn didn’t know her. 

Had she ever told him anything about what happened on Ahch-To? 

She hadn’t spoken a word of it to him - he had insisted for a while, to eventually give up as she remained obstinate in her silence. Rey remembered overhearing a conversation between Finn and Rose. “Master Skywalker just died, Finny-Finn,” Rose had said, reassuring him. “Give her some time to mourn. She’ll be alright. And when she’s ready, she’ll tell us what she wants to tell.” 

Rose, sweet Rose. If only she knew… 

In the last two months, Rey had come to like Rose almost as much as she liked Finn. Everyone spoke of how focused Rose used to be on her work, but when it came to Rey, Rose had seemingly taken her under her wing. 

With a fond smile, Rey remembered those evenings where they “binge-watched” (as per Rose’s words) holoseries and, inadvertently, they would always end up chatting about tech and machinery. 

Still, Finn was around. And when he and Rose were in the same room, it was as if there were no one else in the world - only them. 

She expected for them to come in any minute, knocking at her door, asking about her well-being, Finn perhaps heading to the kitchen and preparing one of those warm drinks which had become his speciality in the last few weeks. Rey gritted her teeth, pushing back cynical thoughts about how, after she’d assure them she needed nothing, they would forget about her in a matter of minutes while getting all lovey-dovey with each other. 

No, she knew she wasn’t jealous. She was happy for her friends, she really was - but sometimes, when she saw Finn and Rose holding hands, she found herself reaching out beside her, only to meet the emptiness. 

And now, Leia was gone, leaving a huge, gaping wound - even if Rey felt that the pain she felt didn’t entirely belong to her.

She knew all too well where that additional pain came from, and yet, she didn’t understand. 

She hadn’t understood why _ he _ had killed his own father, until that night where _ he _ had confessed, with barely held-back tears, that _ he _didn’t hate Han Solo. 

It was like reliving that confusion all over again, but this time, somehow, after being closer to Leia than she had been to Han, and now that her adversary was not just a creature in a mask, it was more personal. 

And what didn’t help was the fact she discovered, while the news of Leia’s assassination spread around, that it wasn’t Kylo Ren’s first attempt on her life. After all, it was his squadron who had blown up the Raddus’ bridge, two months ago… 

In the first few seconds after feeling Leia’s death through the Force, the connection was just the perfect path to vent all her anger and pain. She shouldn’t have been surprised. In fact, she was angry at herself, more than anything else: angry at herself for once again being so naive and trusting, to the point she asked herself, with a cynical chuckle, if it would be the death of her. She was furious at even thinking that perhaps, Kylo Ren’s conflict would be enough to bring him back to the Light. But despite it all, there was still something-- something she didn’t understand, and there was nothing she hated more than being left in the dark. 

Ignorance was the key to a loss of control - weakness. 

But instead of darkness, she met a creature, a wounded animal and a frightened child all at once, crying in rage, powerlessness and pain. 

She had failed, again. She could never be the Jedi who would bring an end to the war by putting down the First Order and its Supreme Leader once and for all. 

She took deep breaths, trying to slow and control the slight tremor in her lungs. She had to push the hurt away, as she always did, but as she focused on her surroundings in order to distract herself, she noticed a faint smell-- which became stronger and stronger over time. 

_ Alcohol. _

Memories of Jakku swarmed her mind, as she remembered how she would always avoid the cantina at Niima Outpost, not just because of the drunk patrons, but also because of the memory of tired arms and dirty hands holding her close, while the stench of cheap Jakku liquor burnt her nose. 

Rey pinched her nose, frowning - but the smell of alcohol didn’t go away. 

The odor wasn’t as bad as Jakku liquor, but it smelled like… wine. Corellian wine. 

She quickly searched around her room, but there were no broken bottles lying around. 

Dark eyes she would’ve rather forgotten about flashed in her mind. How--

_ “Rey? Rey, are you there?” _

Rey sighed in exasperation while grabbing her comlink. This had better not be nonsense. 

“I’m here,” she replied, wincing at the sound of her voice. She sounded too impatient, too… tired. On the other end of the line, Poe was quiet for a few long seconds, then cleared his throat. 

_ “There’s a meeting in five. You know, the one we were supposed to have tomorrow? Thing is, I got a couple of hotheads who are already ready for it." _Poe chuckled, but Rey could sense his uneasiness. She held back a biting remark: she knew Poe Dameron well enough to be aware that he was one of the hotheads, who all wanted only one thing: the Supreme Leader’s head. 

After the death of their beloved general, there would be no mercy. 

“I’m not coming,” she heard herself reply. It wasn’t like she would be missing much: she knew how it would all end, and previous meetings she had to attend were all basically her sitting near the Resistance’s big heads, where she would be expected to look every inch the benevolent Jedi who would save them all, while, of course, keeping quiet. 

_ “Are you sure?” _ Poe asked. _ “Everyone noticed you leaving and they were all wondering about you. It’d be for the best if you showed up--” _

“I’m fine, Poe,” Rey insisted, knowing fully well Poe would find one way or another to convince her to come if she didn’t end the discussion right away. “I just need to rest. Don’t worry.” 

Thankfully, Poe seemed to understand that insisting would be pointless. 

_ “Of course,” _ he replied, and Rey held back from rolling her eyes at his obvious disappointment. _ “I’ll come by later and give you a run down about what happened, okay?” _

Rey threw the comlink on her bed. She could really do without a visit from Poe at the moment, or from anyone for that matter. 

“You haven’t learned how to choke people from a distance, have you? That can be real useful at times.” 

Rey jumped, holding back a cry of surprise at the all-too familiar voice - but it sounded sloppier than usual. 

She turned around, and _ Ben was right there_, for the first time in two months, sitting on the floor, holding his head with his hands, his knees against his chest. He looked up to her, with a dumb smile she immediately wanted to slap off his face. 

_ Oh kriff, he’s drunk. Great. _

“Nah, of course you didn’t. You’re too nice. Not even good, just… _ nice. _” 

He was still smiling, but the words on his tongue were in no way meant to be amusing. Somehow, his inebriated state made him even more blunt than usual - quite the feat. 

“What happened?” Rey managed to ask, crossing her arms. She would have shouted so much more, but she had to push back her anger, while it only grew stronger: her voice was low, dangerously low, as some would say, and she knew she wouldn’t hold it back for long. 

His smile faded away in the blink of an eye. His eyes were reddened by booze, but there was still a murderous glimmer; Rey couldn’t help but shiver. 

“Hux happened,” Ben replied. “Yup. Son of a bitch.” 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re the Supreme Leader, remember?” she replied, spitting out his title. “Why didn’t you stop him?” 
> 
> Ben’s head shot up, with his lower lip trembling but a barely contained fury in his eyes. “Did I ever lie to you?” he asked, his voice almost broken. Rey lowered her head, almost ashamed. 
> 
> He was right. He always told her the truth, no matter what. 
> 
> Even if some truths he’d grace her with were better left unsaid. 
> 
> Or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am overwhelmed by the positive reaction to this fic, so thank you all very much! I'll do my best to update on Mondays, and given the current situation, that might just be feasible for me. *sigh* 
> 
> As always, special thanks to to the little fanfic support group I am part of, who gave me incredible support and feedback for this - you girls are awesome.

The silence that followed Ben’s words lasted for seconds, but for the two of them, it seemed like hours. 

He finally let out a humorless chuckle. “You don’t believe me.” 

“No!” Rey shouted. She had never met Hux in person, but she knew enough about him thanks to the horror stories Finn would tell her and Rose about the First Order and its leaders. Hux, according to Finn, was a dangerous mix of incompetence and ruthlessness.  _ That’s what makes him dangerous _ , Finn would say.  _ You never know what’s in his mind, and when he strikes… he won’t care if everyone crashes but him. _

Hux could have orchestrated the attack on Dantooine. And yet-- 

She scowled at Ben. “You’re the  _ Supreme Leader _ , remember?” she replied, spitting out his title. “Why didn’t you stop him?” 

Ben’s head shot up, with his lower lip trembling but a barely contained fury in his eyes. “Did I ever lie to you?” he asked, his voice almost broken. Rey lowered her head, almost ashamed. 

He was right. He always told her the truth, no matter what. 

Even if some truths he’d grace her with were better left unsaid. 

Or not. 

Ben wiped his face with his hand, perhaps in a poor attempt to chase away the pain, clumsily knocking an empty bottle and looking disappointed it was empty. “Shoulda choked the Core slime ages ago when I still had the chance. And his kriffin’ assassin too. And now, he knows I’m the one who killed Snoke. So if I mess with him, he makes sure all of the First Order and the rich pieces of bantha poodoo selling arms to all you poor devils know I’m some Rebel spawn plotting to overthrow them all. Damn good thing your parents were nothing. You should be thankful. Less trouble.” 

Rey’s throat tightened. Her mind burned with morbid curiosity, while she held back any question springing to her mind. Gritting her teeth, she sat beside Ben. He didn’t move, and kept staring straight ahead. 

“You know, when you come and finish your job, because you were too nice to go through with it last time,” Ben continued, “do tell your friends to kill Hux first and let me take a good look at his corpse. Just let me spit on him so I can make my old man proud. Then, you can take my grandfather’s lightsaber, the very one he used to kill a bunch of kids back in the good ol’ days, and you can--” 

“Stop it.  _ Now _ .” Rey couldn’t hold back her tears anymore. She wiped them away, to no use. 

Ben sighed heavily, but there was a trembling in his breathing. “Well, at least you’re a little sad that I’m gonna die--” 

Two small arms encircling his neck interrupted him, while Rey’s head nestled itself in his neck, hot tears wetting his shoulder. She cried with big, ugly hiccups, and soon, he found himself hugging her back and sobbing as well. 

“I-- I came because I wanted to save you,” she finally managed to say. “Luke never sent me. I came on my own.” 

He stared at her, his eyes wild and hopeful all at once. Her face twisted again. 

“I’m sorry,” she murmurs. Her voice was soft, and he unwittingly started to caress her hair - an unexpected yet soothing gesture. 

“I’m sorry, too.” 

* * *

_ There is a redhead standing right in front of her, and at the mere sight of him, Rey cannot help but wrinkle her nose in distaste.  _

_ He is orderly to the point it seems almost unnatural to her - his pallid face distorted into a scowl of disgust, arrogance and smugness all at once, and his black uniform seems to entrap and choke him, even if he seems perfectly at ease. Rey finds herself wondering how frail he would look, dressed otherwise, which makes the man in front of her somewhat less repulsive, but not any more human.  _

_ She looks around her in a panic, and sighs in relief at the sight of Ben.  _

_ But he looks… different, somewhat. More imposing, even if she remembers all too well those moments on Ahch-To where, even if he wasn’t truly there, he’d tower over her. He’s dressed mostly in black, as he always does, a long cape going from his shoulders and sweeping the ground, but Rey notices the red and the grey he is now sporting as well, and what even looks like pieces of armor. His features are still boyish, but there is a newfound maturity Rey doesn’t remember noticing, before.  _

_ He looks like a king.  _

_ And, although Rey absolutely hates herself for even admitting it to herself, she doesn’t hate it.  _

_ She sighs in relief and, turning her back to the redhead, she heads towards Ben, instinctively grabbing his arm - but her hand goes right through him.  _

_ She steps back in a panic, asking herself if she died without even realizing it, becoming nothing more than a mere spirit, forgotten of everyone - but the sound of her heartbeat singing in her ears brings her some strange reassurance that she is, indeed, alive.  _

_ She tries to reach Ben through the Force, attempting to recognize the purr of his all-too familiar Force signature, but she is met only with silence.  _

_ No, there is singing. It is very faint, but her sensitivity is acute enough to hear it.  _

This is the song of the Whills,  _ she hears in the air _ . Messengers of the Force. Guardians of dreams and visions. 

_ She inhales deeply, clearing her thoughts of all fear she had felt before. She has been brought in this place not to act, but to listen and see.  _

_ “I don’t recall giving orders for an operation on Dantooine, General,” says Ben, glaring at the redhead - General Hux, probably. Finn has done an excellent job at describing him in all his stories - in a less than flattering but accurate manner. “I’ve heard from more than one officer that you are hoping for the rank of Grand Marshal, but I believe it will have to wait… perhaps indefinitely.”  _

_ Rey notices a hint of amusement in his otherwise stern tone, and, in a strange way, it is somehow heartwarming.  _

_ General Hux does not seem fazed by it in the slightest - quite the contrary. He reminds Rey of a vworkka finally ready to jump on his prey after a long wait in the dark.  _

_ “I wanted to be the one to announce you the good news, Supreme Leader,” Hux replied. “Our intel has discovered the Resistance remnants were hiding on Dantooine.”  _

_ Ben pales at the news, but nothing in his other features betrays any emotion. “And why have I never heard about this?” he asks, a slight tremor in his voice. “And why launch an attack without my authorization? You are overstepping your limits,  _ Captain.” 

_ Against all expectations, Hux raises his brows in amusement. “Surprising you’d demote me for such an accomplishment, Supreme Leader. I’ve wanted the operation to be as thorough as possible.”  _

_ Hux sits down on the closest chair, crossing his legs, half nonchalant, half defiant. Unfortunately, Ben doesn’t seem unfazed by the general’s utter lack of protocol: Rey notices his sudden pallor and his lower lip trembling. None of it escapes Hux’s sharp eye, as his smile becomes utterly carnivorous.  _

_ “Of course, we’ve taken the necessary efforts to get rid of whatever big head is left in the Resistance,” he continues. “General Organa has survived the destruction of the Raddus’ bridge… but I’ve taken the initiative of ordering my personal assassin to eliminate her. And--”  _

_ His next words become nothing more than a gurgling noise as he is lifted from the ground, an invisible hand grabbing him by the throat, and slamming his body against the wall behind him.  _

_ Ben’s rage is barely contained, and it takes a millisecond before he towers over Hux, still on the ground and regaining his senses.  _

_ “You will call off the attack immediately,” Ben growls. “I don’t care how you do it. And if you value your life--”  _

_ He is interrupted by Hux cackling. And despite his obvious efforts to maintain a brave facade, Rey knows Ben is now fearing the worst.  _

_ “How long did you believe you could keep your act up,  _ Solo?”  _ he spits out. “You think I wouldn’t learn every single dirty little secret you have?”  _

_ Ben steps back, trembling, while Hux gets back on his feet. “There is footage of you with the girl in the elevator to Snoke’s chambers,” he starts enunciating. “Every one of your words is recorded. Both of you were planning to kill the Supreme Leader. Her as a prisoner was a cover, wasn’t it? Clever enough. And did you really think I’d believe that a puny little nothing like her would murder our Supreme Leader, his Guard, and knock off the _ mighty Kylo Ren?” _ Hux snickers. “It’s obvious you helped her in all this… or was it her who helped you?”  _

_ “You’re missing one thing,” adds Ben, trying to regain some confidence. “Why would she have left me for dead?”  _

_ Rey pinches her lips, pushing painful memories away, as she always does.  _

_ “Because your treachery didn’t stop there,” Hux continues, his pale face livening up. “Thanks to intel and slicers,I know of your correspondence in the last few weeks with your mother. It goes all back to the destruction of Starkiller Base - you warned her the First Order was coming to destroy the Illeenium system.”  _

_ This time, Ben is at a loss for words, and he reminds Rey of a frightened child facing a situation as horrifying as it is far too complex for him.  _

_ He does the only thing he has ever known while facing an overwhelming situation: lashing out.  _

_ “YOU’RE STILL POWERLESS!” he screams, smashing Hux against the wall once again. “I’ll have you killed right here, right now, make it hurt, and--”  _

_ “You think it’ll be that easy?” Hux croaks, crawling in an attempt to get back up. “You have no idea who my assassin is. If you kill me, they have orders to leak all the intel I have gathered on your activities. Everyone will believe you’re nothing more than a double agent - _ Rebel scum.” 

_ He stands up, walking slowly towards Ben’s powerless figure. “Turns out the Supreme Leader is just a liar, a murderer and a thief. Like everyone in his family before him,” he spits out, mocking. “Hardly surprising, considering all your doings as Supreme Leader. And the ending of the Stormtrooper program - a minor inconvenience, since I intend to have it resume as soon as possible. I have no doubt our financiers will fully support my upcoming plans for which, of course, the Supreme Leader will give me free rein.” He nods with a snide smile. “It’s truly for the better, _ Supreme Leader. _ There is no better way to keep the First Order united by _ collaborating,  _ is it not?”  _

_ He proceeds to leave, not before turning around for one last hit.  _

_ “Our forces must have reached Dantooine by now,” says Hux. “I must say, all this is a promising debut to this joined effort, isn’t it? If I can allow myself to be so bold, perhaps it could be easened by my promotion to Grand Marshal?”  _

_ “OUT!” Ben yells, throwing whatever improvised projectile he finds around him towards Hux, who proceeds to swiftly leave the room.  _

_ Rey can hear a faint whisper echoing through the Force, a voice, more raspy with the years, but with an all too recognizable tenderness.  _

Ben. 

_ He doesn’t have time to reply: the voice is suddenly silenced, and Rey and Ben know all too well what it means.  _

_ Ben collapses on the ground, and his inhumane wail is what provoke the Whills to drive Rey away from the scene, only to lead her into complete darkness, and let go of her. She still hears Ben’s cry in her mind as she falls into emptiness, her own scream echoing his.  _

* * *

She woke up almost jumping, as if she had suddenly landed on something that ended up being not as hard and painful as she expected it to be. 

As Rey tried to make sense of her surroundings, she frowned; she realized she was sitting. Or rather, sitting while leaning on someone… 

In a panic, she straightened up, turning her head at whoever was just beside her, but exhaling in relief and almost smiling at the sight of Ben. 

“I fell asleep? How long?” she asked, her voice still drowsy. 

“A few hours, probably,” Ben whispered. In an absent-minded manner, he removed a loose strand of hair from her forehead. As he was about to tuck it behind her ear, realizing what he was doing, he let go of it, lowering his head. But Rey was quick enough to notice his cheeks had slightly reddened, and she could feel her ears heating up as well. She found herself imagining he hadn’t interrupted his gesture, and, perhaps, he would have caressed her hair again... 

Memories of her vision slowly made their way back into her mind, bringing with them a thousand questions. 

“I saw it,” she said, her voice gentle. “I saw everything.” 

Ben stared at her, with that lost little boy expression she loved and hated all at once - stupid of her to think that, of course. Why would it bother her, anyway? 

“She sacrificed herself,” said Ben, turning away and staring straight ahead of him. “She sacrificed herself… for me.” 

He started playing with his tunic, twisting the cloth around in nervousness. “Hux had sent slicers to gather some data as further proof I was communicating with her,” he continues, talking very quickly. “They didn’t find anything. Son of a bitch was mad at me even if it wasn’t my fault for once.” He chuckled, but there was no humor. “His assassin told him she had stayed behind while all the other Resistance big heads were gone and no one was around. She stayed behind to delete some data. She-- she deleted everything that had to do with me. So he can’t use some of the proof I was exchanging messages with her anymore. He hasn’t told me that part, but I know. The Resistance could say he fabricated it. They’d do anything for their General, wouldn’t they?” 

At those last words, his voice broke, and his features twisted in a barely contained effort to suppress tears. Like for a wounded wild animal, Rey slowly reached out to Ben. He took a sharp inhale as he felt her hand on her shoulder, but didn’t recoil. 

“You know the irony in all this?” he continued. “The New Republic threw her away, even if they owed everything to her. And she still kept believing in it. Even if that meant helping people who didn’t appreciate it.” 

He paused, taking a deep but shaky breath. “I thought she had abandoned me, all those years ago, because I wasn’t useful to her. Or good enough. Or kriffing perfect enough. Same with Han Solo. Same with Skywalker. But turns out… they all died. They all died… because they loved me.” 

Rey had remained silent during the entire monologue, but an inner turmoil was building up within her. 

She had seen Ben’s future, solid and clear, with a purpose that had always been there but had been muted after years in the dark. A few weeks ago, there was still a foolish part of her that hoped that, perhaps, the Force would make it all right in its time… 

… but perhaps it was too late. Perhaps Ben Solo’s sole chance came after Snoke’s demise by his hand, and he had refused the opportunity, rejecting any cause that still moved his spirit. 

If he had accepted to follow her back, perhaps Leia would still be alive, at this very hour. 

“This is all your fault,” Rey spat out, backing away. 

Ben stared at her in disbelief. “ _ What?”  _

“I gave  _ you  _ a chance. I came for you, and only for you. And you refused because you wanted power. And you made yourself miserable.” 

For a moment, Ben stayed silent, clenching his fists. “Oh, you want to act like you still have the high ground? All right. I bet you made yourself a Jedi Master, too?” 

Rey rolled her eyes. “This isn’t the time for jokes.” 

“Oh, I’m not joking,” Ben seethed. “I’m dead serious. You don't even know about half of what I need to put up with, but you put an awful lot of responsibility on my shoulders, for someone who likes to remind everyone: ‘Oh, I can handle myself. I got this. I know that. I know everything.’ All the time.” 

“Stop it.” 

“I have to say, you could have been a little more discreet coming on the Supremacy. Maybe arrange a rendez-vous point for both of us? No, doesn’t seem like it crossed your mind. You had to come right away, right? Everyone saw you arriving, so of course I had to bring you before Snoke. After that, what else did I have on my list of things to do? Oh yes, thinking of a way for both of us to come out of that alive.  _ Because he would have killed you, Rey, _ ” articulated Ben, staring her in the eye. “And whatever you may want to believe, I wasn’t going to let that happen.” 

His features almost softened. “And I won’t let anything of the kind happen to you, ever.” 

The almost-tenderness disappeared as quickly as it had come. “So that ended up with me committing high treason, an act you seem to love to conveniently forget about,” he continued, his tone icy and distant. “Because of course, the first thing you did after having to handle, let’s say, a difficult situation with Snoke’s personal guard was that either I had to save the Resistance, or you’d throw me away and run off to join your friends.” 

“Why wouldn’t I?” Rey yelled. “They were all dying! And you refused to save them--” 

“You think I’d want to save someone like Poe Dameron?” Ben sniffed. “Come on. I know you can’t stand him. You just won’t admit it.” 

“That’s not a reason to--” 

“I know the little “stunt” he pulled off during the D’Qar evacuation,” Ben interrupted her. “He may have destroyed a Dreadnought, but at the cost of how many lives, tell me? Demoting him to Captain was awfully nice. Not that it mattered in the long run, now that he’s a General, two months after it happened. And it seems thanks to the information, I got that it was largely his fault that so many escape pods got blown up. Because, you know what? Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t have saved them. I doubt the First Order’s army would’ve listened to someone who just killed the Supreme Leader. Also, you know who’s ordering the troops? Hux. Kriff, Rey,  _ I couldn’t even save my own mother. Is that enough for you? _ ” 

“Stop it.” 

“And you still care about the Resistance? Why? Some are just there because of my mother. They probably won’t even stay around. And then you have those who are just like Dameron and don’t even care about the common people and who are just there for the glory. Do you think they would have welcomed me with open arms?  _ Do you? _ And do tell me, Rey, did the Resistance do anything for you? Or for your fellow scavengers back in your junkyard? Or did they only help you when you were of use to them?” 

“STOP IT!” Rey jumped on Ben, hitting him in the chest. But he didn’t budge. 

“I know that feeling,” he whispered, and his voice was not devoid of sympathy. “Believe me. Once they’ll discover you’re not who they expected you to be… they’ll throw you away.” 

Rey glared at Ben, her breathing trembling in rage. 

“That’s what happened to me, anyway,” added Ben, his tone soft. “So here I am. The Resistance was never going to accept me and they never will, no matter what. Not like I care, anyway. My parents believed the worst when I needed them the most. So I did the best I could, mmm? I became Supreme Leader. And trust me, there are more dangerous things out there than the First Order, not like it matters to all of you. You know, I thought at the time it was better to have me than Hux on that throne, right? But you Jedi love dealing in absolutes, don’t you?” 

Rey’s head shot up, ready to spit out a biting remark - but Ben was gone. 

She stared at the emptiness for a few long minutes. Then, like a ghost, she got up, and dragged herself to her bed, letting herself collapse on it. For a few minutes that seemed like hours, she tossed and turned around, unable to sleep. 

It took a while before sobs finally escaped her throat, and she cried more bitterly than she ever did in her entire life. 

* * *

Poe’s cough brought Rey out of her daydream. She smiled at Poe, sheepish, and straightened up in her seat. 

“Well, I’ll spare you the boring details, then,” said Poe. “What matters is that you’ll be essential in our upcoming operation.” 

Rey’s face lit up. Perhaps, for the first time in two months, things would finally get interesting: she only realized now how restless she had been. She tucked away Ben and all of the First Order in the depths of her mind: of course, they were wrong. They were always wrong. And she shouldn’t have let Ben’s words reach to her-- 

_ Because they were true.  _

No, they weren’t. It was just her boredom and Leia’s passing that had exaggerated her feelings and emotions. 

“As you know, we had trouble rebuilding our forces since Crait,” Poe announced. “People have been trying to desert since General Organa’s funeral, but thankfully, a lot of them have been caught before leaving.” 

Rey frowned. A sense of uneasiness overwhelmed her: first, because Ben’s words about the Resistance centering around Leia Organa’s formidable personality were proving to be true; second, because she knew all too well the Rebellion, in the old days, was a strictly voluntary basis. 

The Resistance wasn’t. This was an army, the only one left against the First Order’s forces, and it had been almost annihilated. 

Because of--

_ No. Not now.  _

“We did manage to find… alternative alliances,” continued Poe. 

“What kind of alliances?” asked Rey. But Poe shaked his hand dismissively. 

“That’s not important right now. What matters is that from now on, we’ll have to conduct stealth missions. Real shame, but we can’t afford open war - at least for now. We’ll still get to blow some stuff up, and that’s the essential.” 

_ Typical.  _ Poe had been careful to “polish” his manner of speaking in the last few weeks, always making sure to show off the green Resistance general uniform he now adorned at all times. There were times where Rey wondered if deep down, Poe didn’t feel miserable playing that role - but perhaps the novelty of being in the spotlight more than ever hadn’t worn off for him yet. 

It was also  _ supremely annoying _ . 

“But what will be the most important in the next few weeks will be that upcoming operation I’ve mentioned before. I don’t think stealth will be much of a problem for you, and you’re our Jedi. Though you should really rebuild that lightsaber of yours. It’d be great for encouraging the troops, you know.” 

Rey weighed her words carefully. No one needed to know how the lightsaber and its kyber crystal had broken in two. 

“I wish I knew how,” she replied. 

“Can’t be that hard,” Poe shrugged. “I’m good at fixing things, if you need any help,” he added with a wink. 

Rey bit her tongue. If only Poe knew about Rose telling her about his terrible job at sewing Finn’s jacket... She was not ashamed nearly enough to have laughed: after all, the sewing looked like a sloppy patching done on some piece of junk ship that was falling apart… 

This conversation was otherwise getting awkward. 

“Anyway, lightsabers are my own business,” said Rey, hoping to put an end to whatever direction the meeting was taking. “What’s the plan?” 

“I like how you’re thinking, right to the business!” smiled Poe. Rey couldn’t help but roll her eyes, but of course, he noticed nothing. “So, the main drive to all this is… avenging our General. Leia.” 

Dread seized Rey, as her heartbeat skipped a beat and she found herself struggling to breathe. 

“Yes?” she managed to utter. 

“We may not be able to face the First Order like we did before, but we will put an end to the Supreme Leader’s reign,” Poe declared solemnly. “We will end his life for him taking our General’s away. This is why we want  _ you  _ at the head of this operation, Rey. The Jedi ending the rule of the Dark Side once and for all. Like in the old legends.” 

The galaxy was spinning at full speed around Rey, as she tried to process everything that Poe had told her. It was a feeling similar to her first encounter with the lightsaber in the basement of Maz’s cantina-- but while the latter somewhat disconnected her from reality, as she was overwhelmed by the will of the Force, something far greater than her mere existence, this feeling was a whole other invisible beast. 

She couldn’t kill Ben. She never could. 

And she couldn’t pretend to be someone she wasn’t-- someone everyone else looked up to. 

Someone Poe Dameron had--  _ feelings  _ for. Maybe. Someone who actually didn’t exist. 

“I can’t do this,” Rey blurted out, averting her gaze from Poe’s. She could already feel his disappointment, and her throat tightened at the thought that everyone else would know that she had failed them all, and-- 

For a split second, Rey almost wanted to take back her last words, tell Poe she agreed to everything… But pleading brown eyes flashed in her mind, and for a moment, she panicked, wondering if Ben had appeared. 

Thankfully, he was nowhere in sight. 

But still… 

Still, here she was, on the brink of plotting his death. 

She met Poe’s gaze, a calm determination overflowing whatever feeling of guilt she had. “You heard me,” she said as calmly as she could. “I’m not participating in this. It…” She took a deep breath, weighing her words carefully. Now was not the time to put her foot in her mouth. “It just doesn’t feel right.” 

Poe stared at her in disbelief. He cleared his throat, but the sight of Rey keeping her chin high silenced him for a few seconds. 

“I understand you’re… grieving, Rey.” Poe replied. “We all are. But we all have a mission. And if the General were here, she would give us no time to grieve and have us keep fighting for the cause.” 

_ If the General were here, she wouldn’t send any of you on a mission to kill her son. A son she sacrificed herself for.  _

“But why me?” interjected Rey. “You could assign literally anyone else on this mission and--” 

“Rey, don’t you get it? You’re the key. You’re the Jedi and Luke Skywalker’s heir. You need to be there to give our people some inspiration and--” 

Rey sighed in barely contained anger. “I’m not here to lift anyone’s spirits. I don’t  _ feel  _ like lifting anyone’s spirits. I’m here to…” 

She stopped, at a loss for words. 

What was she here for? 

There was Finn, of course. And Rose, too. Leia as well, but she was gone. And Finn and Rose had each other. 

The Resistance intended to restore the Republic. Ben’s words about how they would keep ignoring Jakku’s problems just like before came back to her, but she shoved it all away. 

Even if she could acknowledge, now, that he was right. Well, about that at least. 

But Poe didn’t wait for her to finish her sentence. 

“I’ll give you some time to think about it,” he continued. “But you’ll need to make up your mind quickly.” 

Rey understood, of course, that this freedom of choice was nothing but an illusion: Poe Dameron, as well as all of the Resistance, would not take no as an answer. 

And yet, deep down, she already knew that she could never, no matter what, bring herself to harm Ben in any way. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I'm guessing this chapter might get certain reactions from people, depending on your PoV about certain elements of the Sequel Trilogy - I want to let you know that I am open for commentary on the subject, as long as it's done in a polite way. No fighting in the comments, please! 
> 
> As noted on the tags, though, things will get better for everyone - I promise.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Rey’s habits and beliefs said one thing, there was something about how the way Ben cared for her asked for nothing in return, and didn’t expect anything either. Except perhaps a little scrap of love - but at that thought, Rey’s throat tightened. No one deserved just a little scrap of love, she mused, and she found herself wishing for a furnace heart. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So how's quarantine going for everyone? In the meantime, here's a little distraction for you all. As usual, please let me know what you think! 
> 
> As always, special thanks to to the little fanfic support group I am part of, who gave me incredible support and feedback for this - you girls are awesome.

Finn and Rose’s banter was, more than ever, a welcomed distraction. 

As soon as Rey had returned from her meeting with Poe, Rose’s sixth sense had detected that something was amiss. Her first move was to immediately start talking nonsense with Finn, somewhat including Rey in the conversation, even if she was mostly listening. Not that Rey complained about it: she simply had no energy left for chatting along with them. Like most of the time. 

Whatever tranquility she was starting to gain quickly faded away, since, of course, Finn had to change the conversation topic and talk about Resistance matters: the last thing Rey wanted to hear about. 

“I guess Poe told you about what’s to come, didn’t he?” 

Rey nodded, her mind already wanting to be elsewhere. As she met Rose’s gaze, she noticed the girl was looking at the ground, her lips tight, obviously cross. Rey frowned, puzzled. Rose was nothing but enthusiastic for the Resistance’s cause, and no doubt she would want Kylo Ren dead along with all the others, unless… 

Unless Poe had kept some things in the dark. 

At the mere thought of it, Rey felt dizzy in fear - which thankfully overcame her anger and helplessness at not knowing everything that was going on. She hated that feeling more than anything else in the world: if she wasn’t aware of the whole situation, it meant she wasn’t in control of what was to come to her. And it meant danger. 

“Poe told me about the… secret mission,” replied Rey, tentatively, keeping things as vague as possible to not betray anything. “Is there anything else I should know?” 

Finn and Rose glanced at each other: it was a moment of silent communication, and a pang of envy overcame Rey despite herself at such a sight. Nodding at each other, they turned towards Rey, waiting for each other to attempt an explanation. 

“We… found someone who’s willing to help the Resistance with… credits and all that,” muttered Finn. 

Rey smiled. “Well, that’s good news! Weren’t we worried about that for weeks? Where’s the problem?” 

“The problem is that said _ generous _donor is scum,” snapped Rose. “He’s one of those people who sells arms to both sides and spends his free time entertaining himself. You know,” she added, turning to Finn, “I wouldn’t be surprised if we came across him when we were running around Canto Bight. Would’ve appreciated his help back then.” 

“I mean… it’s not like we have a choice,” replied Finn, prudent. “I don’t like it, but--” 

“I know,” sighed Rose. “I just-- I can’t believe we’re at this point.” 

As a response, Finn cuddled Rose in his arms. Rey smiled wistfully, looking down. 

“But seriously, Rey, what did Poe tell you about the assassination mission?” asked Finn. “I have a feeling he told you more than to us, right?” 

Finn’s question was in an almost cheerful tone, and it dawned upon Rey that, indeed, _ Finn knew nothing_. Nothing about the connection, or whatever had happened on Starkiller Base, on Ahch-To, on the Supremacy… 

And at that moment, she wasn’t certain if it was to her advantage, or her detriment. 

“He didn’t give me that much detail,” replied Rey, dismissive. “I’ll probably know more when the time will come.” 

_ Hopefully never. _

“That time is probably coming real soon,” grumbled Finn. “I… I shouldn’t talk about this, but… I know you won’t tell anyone if we tell you, Rose, right?” 

“No!” shouted Rey, before she saw Finn and Rose’s puzzled looks. But no one else needed to know Kylo Ren and Ben Solo were the same person, only for everyone to believe he was responsible for a matricide he didn’t commit. 

“Is everything alright, Rey?” Finn asked in concern. “Nothing I’m gonna say is getting out of this house.” 

“Oh, no. Everything is fine,” Rey replied, regretting her words almost immediately. She had no choice now but to listen to Finn revealing it all to Rose: anything to avoid raising suspicion from any of them. 

She stared at the wall while he told, from his point of view, everything that had happened on Starkiller Base - without her part of the story, of course, that being what had really happened when she had been “interrogated”. As Finn revealed to Rose that Kylo Ren and Ben Solo were but one person, Rey turned away. 

Perhaps Ben was right. Perhaps him returning to the Resistance by her side never was, and never would be feasible. 

“I won’t tell anyone, I promise,” Rose said at the end of the story, her voice shaking. “I wouldn’t want to disrespect General Organa’s memory.” 

“Hardly surprising this happened at all,” replied Finn. “Guy killed his dad - why would anyone be surprised he killed his mother as well?” 

“What do you know?” Rey snapped, before she realized Finn and Rose were staring at her in disbelief. 

To her relief, neither of them started pestering her with questions. 

“Sorry if I upset you, Rey,” said Finn, apologetic. “I shouldn’t have brought this up.” 

Rey shook her head with a light smile, but it didn’t reach her eyes. As she glanced towards Rose, she noticed she was studying her - but there was, strangely enough, no suspicion whatsoever in her gaze, nor her features. But Rey found herself unable to figure out what it was. 

She turned away, her ears heating up. She could only hope she hadn’t blushed and that, if she did, it had escaped Rose’s sharp gaze. 

Indeed, she remained quiet - but she had the look of one who hadn’t missed a detail and would perhaps eventually guess too much. 

* * *

“Hey.” 

Rey turned her eyes away from her stargazing and smiled at the sight of Rose. A porglet was nestled in her arms and, as she sat down on the porch, beside Rey, she handed it to her. 

“Here,” Rose said. “I know it won’t help, but… it might make you feel a little better.” 

The porglet chirped and snuggled against Rey’s stomach, while she made an improvised nest with the tails of her overshirt. 

“Finn wanted to check on you, but I told him it was better for me to check out on you first,” Rose continued. “He’s worried, you know.” 

“I’m fine,” Rey answered immediately - perhaps too quick. 

“Are you sure?” Rose asked again.” 

“I’m telling you, I’m fine,” Rey insisted, a hint of impatience in her voice. 

“All right, all right,” replied Rose, almost defensive. “I believe you.” 

For a moment, the two girls remained silent, the whispers of the night were the only sound they could hear. 

“Are you worried about the upcoming missions?” Rose asked, breaking the silence. Rey stared at her, wide-eyed. Rose couldn’t help but let out a chuckle. 

“You know, you’re a lot easier to read than you think you are, Rey,” Rose laughed. 

_ Or maybe you’re the one who’s very perceptive, _Rey wanted to say. But she kept her mouth shut. 

“Does it have something to do with the Jedi? The Force?” Rose pressed again. 

“Yes! I mean-- no. It’s just… it’s so confusing,” said Rey. She sighed, closing her eyes tight, weighing each word she wanted to say: she couldn’t let anything slip that could compromise her - and that meant, of course, nothing that could even hint anything about Ben. 

“It just doesn’t feel right,” she continued. “I-- I don’t know why everyone is thinking I’m a Jedi when I’m not. I can’t read the Jedi texts I brought back from Ahch-To. I don’t even have a lightsaber! Well, I had one, but I don’t even know how to fix it.” 

“You’re a scavenger, aren’t you?” Rose winked. “You’ll figure something out. I mean, when it comes to finding alternate pieces to fix up things, you’re a lifesaver.” 

Rey chuckled. _ Oh, Rose. If only things were as simple as scavenging. _

“Anyway,” Rose continued, with the same innocent look as before, “how did you break that lightsaber of yours? You never told us.” 

Rey froze, biting back any feeling of panic that could have betrayed her. She still hadn’t come up with a convincing story for _ that incident. _

“I… I wanted to clean it up,” Rey started, wincing at how unconvincing she sounded. “It’s stupid, really. I must have triggered something, and… it exploded, I guess. And it broke.” 

“Oh,” Rose replied, and her tone was neutral enough for Rey to feel queasy, as it was utterly impossible to guess whether she had been convinced or not. “That’s too bad. You could have hurt yourself. I heard how powerful kyber crystals can be - good thing you still have both hands!” 

Rey hadn’t lost a hand - but to say she hadn’t been hurt would have been yet another lie. 

“Anyway, I’m putting up a holovid. You want to watch it with me? Finn can be with us - unless you want it to be a girls’ night? If that can make you feel better…” 

Rey smiled at Rose. For a moment, she wanted to tell her everything that had happened - Ben, Leia, the bond - but something, fear, perhaps, was still holding back, tightening her throat and oppressing her mind. 

“No thanks,” Rey finally replied. “I think I’ll just go to sleep early tonight.” 

“Of course,” Rose nodded. “If you change your mind, though…” 

“I won’t,” said Rey. “But, Rose? Thank you.” 

Rose beamed at her. “You’re welcome.” 

* * *

The following night was yet another sleepless one. 

Rey had never been that much of a big sleeper: she remembered Jakku’s cold desert nights, where sleeping with one eye open was mandatory, if one valued their life. 

But as time went by, no matter how much she tried to push it away, she could only but realize that in a very near future, she would have a choice to make - the exact kind of choice she had hoped she would never have to face. 

It felt like Snoke’s throne room all over again, and this time, she couldn’t run away. 

The mere thought of letting her friends down in any way tightened her throat in unbearable anxiety. She couldn’t imagine being alone _ again _\- not after finally counting to someone. 

Ben cared for her, too - even if he was terrible at expressing it at times. Memories of Han Solo’s gruff demeanor came back to her mind, along with anecdotes Leia would tell her on calm evenings. It was one thing the father and the son definitely had in common… 

Rey found herself wondering what would happen to their connection. Certainly, it would be severed - but would it be painful? 

Did the Force tie them up together to the point that if one of them came to die, the other would follow them in whatever was the afterlife? 

Rey held back a sob. Most of her life had been nothing more than a waste, waiting for parents who would never come back while scavenging for scraps and junk from an Empire that had met an end a decade before her own birth, but that still persisted like an undead entity, like so many other things Rey had come to encounter since she had awakened to what real life truly was. 

A _ life_, at least how she defined it, was something that Ben had been denied his entire life as well. Somehow, death seemed too cruel of an ending when he never had the chance to truly live. 

Deep down, Rey knew that Leia thought the same, even sacrificing her own life to give her child his best chance. And now, in a cruel twist of fate, her murder was attributed to the very child she had died for. 

She could perhaps side with Ben, for Leia’s sake - but it would mean betraying the Resistance. 

Ben’s words about the pointlessness of the Resistance’s greater goals crawled back to her - venom, and nothing more, which she needed to purge away from her thoughts. But it was undeniable that they had all reached a dead end, and that guerilla tactics were their only resort. And the way they were going about it already felt wrong. 

She would be naive to think that Ben wouldn’t be furious about the Resistance plotting his death. Like a wounded beast, he lashed out whenever he felt threatened, and she had seen how distraught he would get when powerless. 

But he had rescued her from torture and a certain death - even if it meant committing high treason. 

Yes, warning him and offering to help were the right thing to do - by adding special conditions, Rey reassured herself, in an attempt to silence any remaining guilt about the Resistance. And if Leia’s Force Ghost were to appear at that moment, Rey had no doubt she would have approved. 

The only obstacle now was to find a way to reach Ben. 

Their moments where the Force connected them were never voluntary on either party. Rey, however, remembered with a fond smile how she was shivering near the fire after exploring the cave on Ahch-To and how Ben had appeared just at the right moment, ready to give her an attentive ear and even pressing her to wrap a blanket around her cold body. Now, it was Ben who needed her. And this time was the right one. It had to be. 

Getting up and sitting in her bed, she closed her eyes, concentrating on gathering mental pictures and memories of Ben - dark eyes with something darker within, but which always softened at her sight; silky-looking hair which made Rey wonder if it was as soft as it looked, covering what seemed like large ears. He was probably embarrassed about those. At that last thought, Rey couldn’t help but giggle, but immediately chastised herself. Now was not the time for… that. 

She sighed. Thinking about Ben hard enough clearly wouldn’t work. 

“Ben?” she called out, her voice soft, already wincing in embarrassment. 

But, to her great surprise, Ben appeared near her, sitting on the ground beside her bed. Despite how their last encounter had ended with an ugly argument, his face immediately lit up at the sight of her. Rey couldn’t help but smile, while her throat tightened. 

“_No matter how much we fought,_ _I always hated watching him leave,” _Leia would say when talking of Han. And now, Rey understood why. 

But now, there were more pressing matters. Rey wished the circumstances were different: she felt like she could have hugged Ben, right now and then - but perhaps it would be… embarrassing to do that. Even if it was tempting. But perhaps it would have also taken away all the courage she had assembled prior. Last time they had spoken, it hadn’t ended well - and Rey wished it would be the last time. For a while, at least. 

“Ben… I have to talk to you. It’s important. But you have to promise me something in return.” 

He stared at her, his eyes half-puzzled, half-weary and almost mistrusting. Rey’s heart skipped a beat as her resolve started to falter - but it was too late to turn back. 

“I want you to promise that whatever I tell you, no matter what you think - I want you to leave the Resistance alone. I won’t let you harm them.” 

Ben lifted an eyebrow, his jaw tensing. “I have a feeling I’m not going to like what I’ll hear.” 

Rey sighed, and hid her hands under her sheets to hide their trembling. She couldn’t show that she was nervous - not now. She wasn’t quick enough for Ben to not notice anything: he calmed down, leaning on the wall behind him. 

“I promise,” he replied, his voice weary. “And I never break a promise. I’m really doing this for you, you know. Dameron can fly through Mustafar’s biggest volcano for all I care. Actually, I think he’d be perfectly capable of doing that.” 

“Whatever,” said Rey, rolling her eyes. “Don’t distract me.” 

“Alright, alright, but why won’t you just shoot it?” snapped Ben. 

Rey lowered her gaze, trying to find the right words and finding herself unable to. Her throat tightening, she met Ben’s eyes again-- and they were as soft as ever before. A strange instinct came over her and, without realizing it, she reached for his hand, as she had done on Ahch-To. 

By the touch of her hand, he saw everything that was to come - her conversation with Poe, the Resistance’s upcoming plans, her involvement in them... 

His undoing. 

He turned away, his face darkening. But Rey grabbed his arm in a panic. 

“Don’t go!” she shouted. “I want to talk to you. I… I want to help.” 

He stared at her, and Rey was unsure whether he was hostile or puzzled. 

“You made some progress,” he finally replied. “At least you’re actually telling me you’ll do something that’s probably going to be reckless and unplanned.” 

She had somehow managed to forget how infuriating he was. And it wasn’t like she could interrupt their conversation by closing off the bond - he’d probably remain right in front of her out of pure spite. 

“_ So what? _What did you expect me to do, keep it for myself?” she continued. 

Ben shrugged. “It came with a price, though. I can’t even do anything against the people who want me dead.” 

“They’re not the only ones, from what I gather.” 

At her last retort, Ben stared at her, but said nothing. 

“Why do you care about them so much, anyway?” he finally asked, after a moment of silence. Rey blinked, her mouth half-opened, perplexed. 

“Well… they’re my friends, of course,” she replied. 

“Are they?” asked Ben. “They care for you as in, they care for Rey? The Rey I know? Or do they care for the Jedi Master who fell from the sky to save them all?” 

“They do not!” Rey shouted back. “Finn and Rose care. And… and…” 

“And?” 

Poe cared for her, perhaps - though it wasn’t the same kind of caring Finn and Rose had towards her. It was the same with other Resistance fighters: she was as friendly and as helpful as she could be, but she sensed a distance between herself and them, as if she was some sort of superior entity. She hated it. But Ben didn’t need to know. 

There was Leia too, Rey thought. But she was gone. Insecurity started creeping in, along with the horrible thought that, perhaps, Leia had been kind to her because of her own usefulness for the Resistance. But it was… to be expected, wasn’t it? Wasn’t love and friendship rooted into proving your usefulness to others? 

Ben seemed to think otherwise, and while Rey’s habits and beliefs said one thing, there was something about how the way Ben cared for her asked for nothing in return, and didn’t expect anything either. Except perhaps a little scrap of love - but at that thought, Rey’s throat tightened. No one deserved just a little scrap of love, she mused, and she found herself wishing for a furnace heart. 

It troubled her, sometimes, how he could read her like she was an open book. It was not the intrusive manner he had employed on Starkiller Base, no - it was a blunt, brutal honesty, without being devoid of a strange sort of kindness. 

“No one else,” Rey finally replied. “It’s just Finn and Rose.” 

“You haven’t answered my question. Why do you care for them so much?” 

“Because that’s all I know!” Rey shouted, while unwanted tears fell down her cheek. “I felt… wanted.” 

She almost expected Ben to give her yet another snarky reply, but his face softened instead, his eyes glassy. For a moment, it looked as if he was going to say something, but instead, he reached for her face, wiping her tears away with his thumb, but it lingered for perhaps a bit too long. Rey’s breathing stopped, anticipating something she wasn’t able to identify. But he moved away, lowering his head. 

“I wanted you, too,” he murmured. “I wanted you to stay with me.” 

“I couldn’t stay,” Rey whispered. “And what would have happened to me if I did?” 

Ben’s jaw tightened and remained silent for a few seconds. “Hux would have destroyed you, like he killed my mother. He would have found a way.” 

“And I want to help you again. But I won’t do anything without you.” 

“Would you?” asked Ben. “You do realize you’d have to leave the Resistance behind? Would you be ready to leave them forever?” 

Rey’s mouth opened in surprise: she hadn’t considered that eventuality at all. She glanced at the ground, wringing her hands in nervousness. Already, Ben was turning around, guessing what her reply would be. 

“Wait!” Rey cried. “Don’t go.” 

His eyes met hers - and for a moment, Rey saw nothing else than a lost little boy, who desperately wanted to come back home, only to see ruins. 

“Yes, I’ll leave them,” she replied, her tone far more resolute than she expected it to be. “If helping you means leaving them forever, then so be it.” 

She smiled softly, reaching out for Ben and putting her small hand on top of his huge one. “You saved me once,” she added. “Now it’s my turn.”

Ben’s face lit up at her answer - and for the first time ever since Rey had met him, he smiled. It was perhaps a bit rusty, due to a loss of habit, but the glimmer hinting in his eyes softened his traits, and for a moment, Rey could almost believe his face was glowing, as if he was bathed in light - or perhaps it was just the lighting. 

He nodded, solemn. “You’ll find me on Jakku. There’s a lot to tell you. But we’ll find a way. _ Together. _” His last word was uttered with a certain disbelief, as if he had still trouble believing it. Rey smiled, her heart warming up despite her alarm and thousand questions thanks to Ben mentioning Jakku and what was to come. 

A split second later, Ben was gone. 

And, for the first time in weeks, Rey finally knew what to do. 

* * *

Rose Tico was not one for subtlety. The truth at all costs was something she had believed in for most of her life, and it was just another reason why Paige would sometimes affectionately nickname her Crankypants. 

She slowly backed away from the door to Rey’s room, instinctively clutching her pendant in an attempt to reach Paige, just to know_ something - anything _ \- that she could do after what she had witnessed between Rey and Supreme Leader Ren. 

In all her life, she had never felt so lost - not even when Pai-Pai had died. There was still some resolve within her, a dedication for the Resistance, even if it meant tasering whoever dared to desert. Well, now that Rose thought about it, perhaps the tasering was a bit much. Finn thought it had been a _ bit much _ too, or rather _ a bit too way too much _. Now, nothing seemed as clear-cut as it was before - and Rose couldn’t remember a single time where she had doubted anything. 

She cursed herself for not guessing earlier something was very, very, _ very _ wrong with Rey. It hadn’t taken too long for the two of them to become friends, with everything they had in common. They taught each other what they knew about mechanics, and Rose had even introduced a very eager Rey to the basics of engineering. There was also a little something Rose called _ ladies’ night _ \- entire evenings where Finn was strictly forbidden from interrupting them, and to which from time to time, she’d invite Kaydel Ko Connix to tag along and feed them with local gossip. Rose would prepare hot chocolate, and of course, Rey had grown quite fond of it. Her table manners were _ appalling _\- but Rose wasn’t the kind to be picky about etiquette. But to see Rey pretty much plunging into her bowl, coming out with a huge grin, her mouth and even the tip of her nose covered with chocolate was somehow worth it. 

Rey had made some progress since, at least. On a day where General Organa had invited her for lunch, Finn and Rose had spent the entire evening and the following morning explaining to her the benefits of eating her meal with utensils, among other things, and that a fork was not a comb… 

_ Ladies’ nights _ were something Rose wished she had done more often with Paige. At least she’d have full control of what holovids they would watch, since Rey hadn’t seen much of them and couldn’t be picky. Period pieces taking place in the Pre-Republic era were her favorite, and she remembered how she’d dream of being one of those heroines, scouring through an old Sith castle, ready to fight whatever ghost or evil spirit she’d meet. 

Rey, she noticed, was more fond of fairy tales. She knew a few herself, and Rose could recognize variants of some she had heard herself, as a child. 

She always had her head in the clouds, or so she seemed. Rose had ended up becoming used to it, and what a fool she was… 

With what she had just found out, she even wondered if Kylo Ren had been there while she couldn’t see him. But Rey could-- 

She shook her head. She felt dizzy - and now was the time, more than ever, to keep her mind clear. 

If he had heard Resistance secrets, or if Rey had revealed anything to him, perhaps he would have acted on them a long time ago. There was always the coup against General Organa, but if his words were to be believed, Hux was the one responsible. And while Rose wasn’t too fond of trusting whatever Kylo Ren said, to say the least, it was… believable enough. Well, she could trust her instincts on that one - that guy had _absolutely_ _deserved_ to be bitten. Rey seemed like she believed him, for a reason Rose couldn’t fathom, no matter how hard she tried. 

But there was _ something. _Something in the way they looked at each other, how strangely gentle the Supreme Leader of the First Order was with Rey, and how she was willing to throw everything away - for him. All the while making him promise no harm would come to anyone in the Resistance. 

Perhaps Rey hadn’t lied, _ from a certain point of view. _ She did care about all of them, no matter what. She had a kind heart (_I think, _Rose whispered to herself), and perhaps it was because of that same kind heart that she extended a helping hand, and perhaps more to the man everyone else would have considered to be their greatest enemy. 

There were no words about conquest, nor destruction, nor battles to be won: deep down, it was just two lost children who reached out to each other and would have followed one another to the ends of the world. 

To the eyes of the Resistance, no matter what, Rey was a traitor, and there was nothing Rose hated more than traitors. 

Somehow, she couldn’t hate Rey, nor blame her for what she had done. But she knew she couldn’t afford to remain a passive spectator. 

She would have to do something - soon, and quickly. But that something was anything but clear, and it frightened her. 

Rose could only hope that no matter what her decision would be, she would never come to regret it. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She was almost at the hangar, carrying a bag with what very little possessions she had, while making no unexpected encounters. The Falcon was just a few steps away, and all she’d have to do would be to start the engines, fly away, and jump to lightspeed as soon as she could-- 
> 
> “Gooooood evening!” 
> 
> Rey muffled a cry and turned around in a panic, only to see Rose beaming at her. 
> 
> Now this was the stuff of nightmares. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a little shorter than the others, since it's a transition of sorts. Hope you enjoy nonetheless. 
> 
> As always, special thanks to to the little fanfic support group I am part of, who gave me incredible support and feedback for this - you girls are awesome.

It had been a few days since her last meeting with Ben - but to Rey, it felt like months. 

She had been restless, but thankfully, it was all due to the adrenaline while she secretly prepared for her upcoming trip. Finn and Rose had noticed nothing - or at least, Rey hoped so. There would be nothing that would stop her from reaching Ben, this time, and she could only hope she wouldn’t have to fight her way through. 

Of course, Rey had learned where the night guards would usually be, when and where they would make surveillance rounds - and when there would be no one in the hangar where the Millennium Falcon was. 

Rey could only hope Chewie wasn’t sleeping onboard like he did sometimes. In a worst case scenario, she could always come up with an excuse to send him away while she’d fly away with the Falcon. 

But then again, perhaps Chewie would be none too pleased that she left with the Falcon without notice. And perhaps Chewie would agree to follow her… or not. It was possible he’d alert the Resistance of what she was planning to do, and Rey could not let that happen. He had perhaps helped her in joining Ben on the Supremacy, a few weeks ago, but considering how badly that “rescue mission” had gone, with Snoke’s death as the result of exceptionally well-done improvisation, Rey was doubtful Chewie would be as helpful as before. 

On the night of the escape, Rey found out that Chewie was sleeping on the Falcon. If everything went on according to plan, she could take off while he was sleeping: it would be one less thing to worry about. But now that she thought about it, Rey would have never believed kidnapping a Wookie would one day be easier than telling said Wookie about her upcoming plans. 

She was almost at the hangar, carrying a bag with what very little possessions she had, while making no unexpected encounters. The Falcon was just a few steps away, and all she’d have to do would be to start the engines, fly away, and jump to lightspeed as soon as she could-- 

“ _ Gooooood evening! _ ” 

Rey muffled a cry and turned around in a panic, only to see Rose beaming at her. 

Now  _ this  _ was the stuff of nightmares. 

“Hi!” Rey squealed, wincing at the sound of her own voice. 

Rose Tico was the last person Rey expected to meet that night - and she already knew she would be a formidable opponent. 

“Deserting?” Rose asked, in a teasing tone. Rey beamed, all the while praying to whatever gods out there her fear wasn’t apparent. 

“Oh, just… important Jedi business. Secret. For the greater good of… everyone,” she stuttered, cringing more and more at every word she said. “And the Resistance,” she quickly added. 

_ If I get out of this alive,  _ thought Rey,  _ it’ll be a miracle.  _

“Aw, come on,” Rose insisted, elbowing Rey a bit too rough for it to be friendly, “you can tell me. I’m not tasering anyone this time,” she teased. 

Rey was trapped. 

Perhaps she could tell her  _ part of the truth _ . 

“I’m going to… rescue someone,” started Rey. “A friend.” 

“Just a friend?” Rose sighed, winking at her. Rey felt her face heating up: she was blushing  _ for sure _ , and it was the last thing she wanted at the moment. 

“Alright, he or she?” Rose asked again. 

“Um… he?” 

“Oh! So you have a boyfriend? You have a secret boyfriend!” Rose squealed. Rey, on the other hand, only wished she could disappear six feet underground. 

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell Finn,” Rose continued. “Not yet, at least.” 

_ Kriff.  _

“But I want  _ all  _ the details, Rey.  _ All of them.  _ Is he cute?” 

“Yes! I mean, no!” 

“Of course he is, silly. Don’t go pretending he’s not. What kind of cute, though? Tall, dark and handsome type? Those are the grumpy ones, though.” 

This time, Rey remained speechless. 

“So who’s the lucky guy, Rey?” Rose asked, her tone much more serious all of the sudden. “Let me guess… the Supreme Leader of the First Order?” 

Rey stared at Rose, horrified, desperately hoping she would just chuckle in the next few seconds, laughing at her own joke. 

It was not the case. 

Instead, Rose’s eyes watered up, her mouth twisting in an attempt to swallow up a sob. 

“Why would you do this?” Rose asked, her voice choking up. “What did we do to you?” 

Rey looked down, biting her lip and swallowing tears of her own. “It’s not you, or Finn, or-- or anyone,” she murmured. “It’s me. And it’s something I should have done ages ago. Both of us should have. But-- how did you know?” 

“I-- I went to see you in your room a few days ago,” replied Rose. “I heard you talking, so I peeked a bit… and I saw him.” 

Rey gasped. No one could see Ben when they communicated, at first, even if Luke had later been capable of seeing them both. Rey, however, was unsure whether it was because of Luke’s power with the Force, or if it was because of she and Ben touching hands at that moment. 

Now, it seemed like anyone could see Ben… and perhaps she could be seen on Ben’s side as well. 

“And you didn’t tell anyone?” Rey asked. 

“No. I thought of it… but then, I remembered you made him promise not to harm any of us… I think that helped. I mean-- I’m just happy you care so much!” Rose swallowed, weighing her next words carefully. “But I still don’t understand why, though.” 

Rey let out a nervous chuckle. “I don’t think I can explain it myself. But-- I’ve seen his past, and his future, and he saw mine as well. It’s strange, I know, but in all of it, there was only one other person there… and that was me. Only me. I saw that he would turn. I still believe he will, but-- it’s something he needs to do on his own. But I’ll help him. He killed Snoke… because he wanted to save me.” 

Rose’s expression betrayed nothing - but Rey could already sense she was neither angry nor distraught. 

“What happened next?” Rose asked. “Does it have anything to do with your lightsaber breaking?” 

Rey nodded, a sad smile on her lips. “We had a bit of an argument. It didn’t end well.” 

“So, it was a couple fight?” 

At Rose’s last reply, the two girls couldn’t help but chuckle, and the air seemed suddenly less oppressive. 

“I’m not asking for you to understand--” Rey started. 

“I guess I do, a little bit,” Rose interrupted her. “Looks like we both have a thing for dummies,” she added, while the two of them laughed again. “And he has pretty eyes. That helps. Anyway… if you need help, or anything… you can ask me. I’ll drag Finn along too.” 

Rey nodded with a smile. “I will.” 

Without further ado, Rose hugged her tightly, as did Rey. 

“Anyway,” Rose continued, “you can’t leave alone. Did you warn Chewie?” 

“I haven’t,” Rey admitted. “I was afraid.” 

“I think he’s sleeping in the Falcon tonight. Were you planning on leaving while he was asleep?” 

“Maybe. Well… I never kidnapped a Wookie before,” Rey replied sheepishly, but the two of them couldn’t help but laugh. 

“How about we explain everything to him together?” asked Rose. “It’ll probably be easier that way.” 

“Thank you,” said Rey, relieved. “And what will you tell everyone while I’m gone? Well, assuming you agree to cover up for me…” 

“I’ll say you had to leave on… Jedi business, as you said. And that it was urgent. They’ll understand.” 

"But Finn--" 

"Let me handle Finn, okay? Don't worry." Rose reassured her. "How long will you be gone?" 

Rey shrugged. “I don’t know… I’m not even sure I’ll come back… but I want to.” 

Rose smiled, not without sadness. “I guess the important thing is that you find a way to end the war… even if that means we won’t see each other for a long time.” 

“If I do leave for a long time… they’ll eventually know what I’m up to,” Rey replied. “And then--” 

“I’ll know what really happened,” Rose assured her. “And if that can help… when it’ll be the right time, I’ll tell Finn the whole story. Unless you don’t want me to--” 

“No, do it,” Rey replied. “He-- he probably won’t understand. But I don’t want him to think--” 

“I don’t think he’ll ever hate you,” said Rose. “I don’t think I hated you myself when I doubted your intentions.” 

Rey grinned in relief. “Thank you. For everything.” 

“You’re welcome,” Rose replied, beaming back. “Not let’s go.” 

And, without another word, both girls rushed towards the Falcon. 

* * *

Chewie, thankfully, was very comprehensive. 

Rey couldn’t help but feel guilty of having doubted him. Despite everything that had happened in the past, Chewie, deep down, also wanted Ben to come back home. 

“ _ I should have done something for Little Pup a long time ago _ ,” he had growled. “ _ Maybe he wouldn’t have ended up like this if we--”  _

“It’s no use reflecting on that now,” Rey replied. “We’re doing something now, and we’ll make it work. That’s what matters.” 

Chewie had ruffled her hair as a response. “ _ If you or Little Pup ever need help, I’ll always be there for you for now on. No matter what happens. _ ”

Rey was now gazing through the cockpit window while the Falcon was flying through hyperspace, letting herself get hypnotized by stars which became nothing more than a confused blur as they rushed at lightspeed. Chewie gently patting her on her shoulder brought her back, and she smiled at him, almost wistful. 

“ _ You’re going back home,”  _ Chewie growled. 

Rey shook her head. “Jakku isn’t my home anymore, I guess,” she replied, and she couldn’t help but be relieved: she hadn’t thought of Jakku in so long, and all the hardships she had endured there. The only lingering thought was that recurring nightmare, where her parents flew away from her, only to one day end up in a pauper’s grave on Jakku. It was something she always knew, deep down, but which she had always pushed back as nothing more than a silly insecurity, in fear that the only thing that held her world together and gave her hope would be snatched away from her, and that she would fall into pieces. 

Now, there were so many other things that gave her hope. And she could be a giver of hope, too, and exactly the way she would want it. Right now, there was one person she wanted to give hope to, who needed it more than anyone else she knew - and it was Ben. 

It wasn’t long before they jumped out of hyperspace, the sand planet revealing itself right in front of Rey’s eyes. It had been a surreal experience, when she had left it a few months ago, and seeing it again felt as if she was in a dream. They weren’t heading for some random spot in the desert, either: their destination was Niima Outpost itself. 

The Falcon had barely landed that, already, Rey jumped out of her seat, heading towards the bedroom at the back of the ship. “We’re not getting off right away!” she yelled across the central room, towards the cockpit. “I have to take care of… things!” 

By “things”, it meant making sure she was presentable. Rey hadn’t paid much attention to it in weeks, but now, she had a strange impulse to perhaps  _ add a little something more _ . 

She quickly grabbed the bits and pieces of makeup she had received as gifts here and there, mostly from Leia. Despite the Resistance’s limited resources, Leia had given Rey small tips, here and there, while she’d discover with awe small items used in everyday life she sometimes never even imagined existed. 

She had learned how to apply mascara, of course, and the tiny bit of lipstick she used made her lips a tad pinker, just the right color. She hesitated between pulling half her hair in a tail or a bun, before finally giving up in exasperation and making a quick bun. Since her hair had grown longer, the tips had started to curl a bit, and now, as she looked at the final result, she couldn’t help but realize, for the first time, she looked… different. More mature, somehow, and not in a way that made her dislike the whole effect. 

She was presentable, and of course, she did it all for her own satisfaction. Or at least, as she joined Chewie again as they headed towards the Falcon’s exit, she tried convincing herself of it, since, despite her best efforts, she couldn’t help but wonder if Ben would like it, too. 

Jakku’s dry, hostile environment hit Rey immediately, but she barely paid attention to it: the first thing she saw, as she came out, was Ben, standing right in front of her, only a few steps away. If there was something solemn, not to say regal about his long cloak and his outfit which was half-armor, half-clothing, he was incapable of hiding his nervousness, his gloved hand rolling in a ball and flexing again, and the half-smile, half-frown he gave her. But his eyes were shining, more than ever before, and there was something so irresistible about it Rey almost wanted to hug him. 

Perhaps she would have, if Chewie hadn’t been right behind her. And the roar he gave as a greeting for Ben was anything but friendly. 

At the sight of the Wookie, Ben paled and stared at the ground, his lips moving, even if there wasn’t a sound that came out of his throat, as if he was at a loss for words. After a few long seconds, he sighed, gathering what little courage he had left. 

“Hi, Uncle Chewie,” he muttered, still staring at the ground. At Ben’s sentence, Chewie ran towards him, stopping only at a few centimeters of his face, while he never moved a single inch. For a moment, Rey expected the worst - but with another roar, Chewie ruffled Ben’s hair, ignoring his grumbling of embarrassment, even pulling him in a big hug, gesturing for Rey to join them. 

For a split second, Rey hesitated, her heart skipping a beat and her cheeks heating up. But it didn’t last for long, and soon, she joined in, turning her face towards Ben with a large grin. 

And, for a moment, Ben smiled too - a smile that was perhaps rusty due to a lack of habit, but still a smile. Even if Rey, right away, wondered what a big, large grin from him looked like. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *just because it didn't blow up now doesn't mean it won't blow up later* 
> 
> *evil laughter*


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niima Outpost was rife with activity like Rey had never seen before. For a split second, the sight of stormtroopers terrified her as she saw them walking around. Ben standing beside her reassured her, but she also quickly noticed that many inhabitants of Niima Outpost didn’t seem as nervous as they should be. 
> 
> New buildings were taking shape, replacing the tents and the rudimentary huts Rey had been used to since childhood. She was about to ask about them but was interrupted by Ben, who was offering her his arm to grab as an invitation for her to follow him. His gentlemanly demeanor and her own curiosity got the better of her, and after hesitating slightly, she grabbed his arm and followed him towards what had been Unkar Plutt’s trading post.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Skipped last week's update, but I promise I'm not abandoning this story. Hope you enjoy! 
> 
> As always, special thanks to to the little fanfic support group I am part of, who gave me incredible support and feedback for this - you girls are awesome.

Niima Outpost was rife with activity like Rey had never seen before. For a split second, the sight of stormtroopers terrified her as she saw them walking around. Ben standing beside her reassured her, but she also quickly noticed that many inhabitants of Niima Outpost didn’t seem as nervous as they should be. 

New buildings were taking shape, replacing the tents and the rudimentary huts Rey had been used to since childhood. She was about to ask about them but was interrupted by Ben, who was offering her his arm to grab as an invitation for her to follow him. His gentlemanly demeanor and her own curiosity got the better of her, and after hesitating slightly, she grabbed his arm and followed him towards what had been Unkar Plutt’s trading post. 

Scavengers and other inhabitants stayed away from Ben, some with fright, some others with what appeared to be a strange reverence which puzzled Rey. When it came to her presence, she noticed some didn’t even seem to recognize her, despite coming across them every day, and only a few months ago. Others, on the contrary, stared at her half in disbelief, half in admiration - perhaps because of who was accompanying her. 

When they entered the trading post, Rey noticed that the shelves were empty: bits and parts of old Imperial and Republic ships had disappeared, and the portions Plutt had used to pay his scavengers had vanished as well. But the strangest sight was, rather than the teared down trading post, a group of seven warriors clothed in black coming in, two of them dragging a chained Unkar Plutt. They formed a line in front of Rey and Ben, bowing their heads as a salute. For a moment, Rey wondered if they weren’t just showing Ben respect, but to her as well. 

Rey noticed an acute emptiness in the space they occupied.They were standing right in front of her, yet the emptiness was palpable. It was unlike anything she had ever felt before in her life, as if they were some kind of... void in the Force. She repeated to herself a few times, she had no need to be frightened of them, but that first contact still lingered in her mind like a ghost. 

Plutt recognized Rey immediately: he was quick to notice her holding Supreme Leader Ren’s arm, and with an ugly rictus, he chuckled, spitting at her feet. An invisible hand grabbed his throat, and Rey turned to Ben, his gaze fixed on Plutt with the beginning of a furious snarl. 

For a few seconds, Rey said nothing: after everything Plutt had put her through, the humiliations, the starvation, the labor… there was something oddly satisfying about it all. Ben had also let go of her arm to grab her hand, his touch soft yet firm, and even if she hated to admit it, his protectiveness was… welcomed. 

After a few seconds of holding Plutt on the thin line between breathing freely and dying suffocated, Ben let go of him with disdain, turning away as if he was nothing but a fly he had smacked. 

“Unkar Plutt has been arrested for his enslavement of the people of Niima Outpost, who are now under my protection,” declared Ben, turning to Rey. “I thought it’d be fitting you’d get to choose his method of execution.” 

Rey gasped, her eyes going back and forth from Ben to Plutt. This time, her former employer didn’t dare to look at her, his gaze fixated on the ground. Despite her conscience saying otherwise, Ben’s offer was… tempting, she had to admit it. She remembered all those times Plutt had eyed her up and down, and even if his demands never went beyond her scavenging services, how little he made her feel. 

And yet… it didn’t seem right to just let him become one with the sands of Jakku, and to be forgotten even by those he had exploited. 

Plutt deserved to be punished, without a shadow of a doubt. But there were more fitting punishments than death. 

“If I’m to decide his fate…” Rey started, choosing her words carefully. “I will ask for his life. He doesn’t deserve to die. No one does.” 

Ben stared at her in surprise, but remained quiet. Rey couldn’t help but silently thank him for not insisting: perhaps the temptation would have become too great for her. 

“I want him to be granted the same treatment he gave me during all my years here. It’s only fitting he’d experience what every scavenger at Niima Outpost went through. Whatever food he will be fed at the end of his work day will depend on whatever he has to give. And that’s all I ask.” 

Rey held her breath, worried of Ben’s reaction: but his gaze softened, the admiration on his features providing them with a sweet glow reminding Rey of the very same expression he gave her in the elevator, a few weeks ago, when they had both confronted Snoke. It troubled and appeased her all at once, and it was, perhaps, the most pleasant feeling she had ever experienced. 

“Can I ask why?” Ben asked, but his tone was anything but confrontational. He was still holding her hand, which he hadn’t let go during all their time in the trading post. “You know better than anyone here what he has done.” 

“Yes,” Rey replied, pressing his hand. “But it’s pointless to have him die without him being truly aware of what he has done. He needs to help in his own way, and it’s only fair.” 

As an answer, Ben brought her hand to his lips, kissing it softly. Rey held her breath, her legs trembling in nervousness: she knew thanks to Leia it was an old tradition of the knights and warriors of old, which only Alderaanians had kept over time, whenever a man wanted to show a lady his utter devotion and respect. 

Ben then turned towards Plutt, still holding Rey’s hand. “If it was only for me, you would have been dead long ago. You owe the lady whatever life you have left.” 

Plutt chuckled. “That’s rich, considering what she’s done--” 

A kick from one of the warriors in black interrupted him, having him fall on the ground on his knees. But Plutt’s words had had the desired effect: Rey had paled, her sudden nausea coming from something buried deep inside her mind she somewhat couldn’t access, no matter how hard she tried. She was distracted by Ben’s fingers caressing her palm, beckoning her to leave the trading post. Her head was too heavy for her to refuse or try to pry Plutt further: without further ado, they made their way out. 

It probably was nothing to worry about, anyway. Whatever Plutt was accusing her of, it probably was something of no consequence, she told herself. She had nothing to reproach herself of, now. 

Rey took in all the changes in Niima Outpost since she had left it: a new building, almost finished compared to the others, caught her attention, as she saw many children coming out of it. 

“It’s a school,” Ben said. “It’s the first thing I got built when we arrived here, a few weeks ago. I wanted it to be functional as soon as possible.” 

Rey smiled, holding back tears, as memories of her childhood came back to her. “I taught myself how to read Basic,” she murmured. “I took every datapad I’d come across to practice. One traveller gave me a datapad full of fairy tales and legends. I… I still have it. I carry it in my pouch all the time. It was the one thing I didn’t want stolen from me,” she chuckled. 

“I know,” Ben replied. “I saw all of it. When we touched hands.” 

Rey sighed. “I wish I could learn more things. Not just… the Force, and all that, but everything I need to know. I never went to school.” 

“People think it’s boring for the most part,” groaned Ben. “I liked it. But I was the weird kid, so…” 

Rey burst out laughing, and managed to hear what almost sounded like a chuckle on Ben’s side. 

“So there’s the school… and what else?” asked Rey. 

“Well… the stormtrooper program has been… modified, so we’re doing a bit of recruitment. It’s not to go to war,” Ben quickly added. “It’s to do relief missions on other planets who need it. Like here. We need all the help we can get. And some people higher up are not happy about it and think we should invest in a dozen Starkiller Bases instead.” 

Rey lowered her head, her features darkening. “Hux?” 

“You mean _ Grand Marshal _ Hux,” grumbled Ben. “I’m sure next thing he’ll do is order a brand new uniform for himself, but _ white _, just to look like the ugliest kriffing bride ever, even if his shoulder pads won’t make him look larger.” 

Rey rolled her eyes with a smile. “Well, I’m here. He won’t be annoying you for very long, will he?” 

Ben sighed, wistful. “No.” He paused, twisting his mouth as if he was trying to find the right words. “I just wish things were different.” 

“What do you mean?” asked Rey, frowning. 

Ben shrugged. “Well… maybe all of this was a mistake. But since I’ve been here…” He gestured towards Niima Outpost and the activity happening around them. “I don’t even know if all the efforts done will be continued after I leave. No one ever cared about Jakku. Or Tatooine. Or all those backwater planets with little to no resources. But none of them deserves to be abandoned like they were.” 

Rey tightened her jaw, remembering Ben’s words a few days ago about how no one, neither the Resistance, the Republics, nor the Jedi had cared about places as insignificant like Jakku. And yet, Rey knew better than anyone how for all of its inhabitants, every day was a struggle to see the next day. 

And yet, Ben did. Needless to say the means were less than ideal, so to say, but the heart was at the right place, or rather, at a place where no one had ever been before. 

* * *

Rey was left alone for a short while, later that evening - Ben had to leave her, just to give Hux a (fake) report about his current activities. He had suggested having the Knights of Ren - his closest acolytes - to ensure her protection, but Rey had assured him she’d be fine. She was capable of defending herself, and to be honest, the constantly masked dark warriors, with their strange non-presence, and who had barely said a word since she had first seen them, didn’t exactly seem like the… most entertaining company. 

Evenings on Jakku used to fill her with a strange mix of relief and dread. Relief since yet another day of labor was over, and that she’d get her bigger meal for the day at the end of it all. Dread, because she would then have to face the most dangerous hours in Niima Outpost, where scavengers known as nightcrawlers would try and pillage homes in the hopes of finding hidden pieces and food. Thankfully, Rey was rarely bothered, as she worked under Unkar Plutt, not independently… but it was a fact some nightcrawlers would sometimes forget about, and while Rey was defenseless to the pillage of her home as a child, she had learned to fight tooth and nail for the little possessions she had. 

Her one comfort in the evenings, no matter what, was to contemplate the sunset and all the yellow, orange, pink, purple colors that would appear in the sky, projecting a near-mystical color on the dunes of sand. 

But now, Rey couldn’t find the same joy she had had only a few months ago, finding the colors of Jakku somewhat incredibly dull. But she felt no disappointment: she knew now the galaxy was full of so many more vibrant colors, and the idea she had perhaps not seen all of them yet brought a smile to her face. 

Time for the evening meal on Niima Outpost had arrived in the meantime, and Rey saw stormtroopers and a few workers preparing the rations that would be distributed to the population. 

Rey noticed it wasn’t the dried up, then re-hydrated portions she had been used to since childhood, but the smells that came in her direction indicated something else. _ Nerf sausage stew, _she thought as she recognized the aroma, her mouth watering. 

Inhabitants and scavengers were already starting to line up, and Rey noticed groups of children staying closely together while waiting. At the sight of that, her throat tightened: she had lived on Jakku long enough to know that this was the only comfort the young ones could have, a simple means of protection in numbers. 

It didn’t take long for her to see why: once the kids had received their meal for the evening and were starting to run off, others were quick to bump into them, or even simply quickly remove their bowl of stew in order to keep it for themselves. 

At the sight of that, Rey couldn’t remain passive: grabbing her staff, she charged towards one of the thieves, knocking him down along with the stolen meal. She tried not to wince at the sight of the stew spreading on the ground - an old knee jerk reaction she still had at the sight of wasted food. 

The thief cursed at her but was quick to run away once he had regained his senses. In the meantime, children had assembled around her, some of them bold enough to grab her hand or one of her overshirt’s tails. Rey didn’t push them away, but instead squeezed whatever little hand had grabbed hers. She was perhaps the first person to have ever defended them the way she had done. 

“Come on,” she told them. “You still need supper. We’ll get you what you need.” 

The small group followed Rey straight to the distribution tables. She ignored the few cries of protest as she cut the lines, asking immediately for meals to be given back to the children. She was not met with much resistance: the workers were quick to do as she had asked, probably recognizing the Supreme Leader’s guest. 

She then led the children near the spot where she had stood, her bowl in hand, looking around to ensure no one would try to stop and rob them. This time around, no one dared to approach the group, probably thanks to Rey’s presence. The children were now chatting a lot more, as they probably felt more relaxed knowing they were safe, and that their stomachs would be full tonight. They talked of everything and nothing, all at once, among them and to Rey as well: she had trouble keeping up with everything they’d tell her, but she couldn’t help but smile at it all. One of them even dozed off, his empty bowl falling on the ground as his head fell on Rey’s lap. She made no gesture to remove him from her, instead smiling softly as she heard his regular breathing. 

It was at that moment she saw Ben coming towards her, a bowl of stew in his hand and with the shadow of a smile at the sight of her surrounded by children - it brought an unexplainable warmth to Rey’s chest, she hoped that it would remain. 

He sat beside her, and there was something almost endearing about how it seemed like he was so large and his limbs were so long he had trouble folding himself in a comfortable sitting position on the bench - all the while holding a bowl that looked tiny in his hands, leading Rey to wonder if it would be enough for him. 

The kids’ chatter had quieted down at Ben’s arrival, and Rey was afraid for a moment he had unwittingly scared them. 

“Is that a ship part you have on your chest and shoulders?” One little girl suddenly asked. 

“Oh, my armor? Kind of,” Ben replied. He attempted a smile, and there was something so _ adorably awkward _ about it, as all the other children paid attention to him, asking all kinds of questions all at once. 

It was only after a while that the children finally left, hurrying back to their homes before dark. If Jakku’s days meant burning heat, the nights were cold and unforgiving. Rey felt a shiver run through her shoulders as the first bites of the chill came to her - but she felt something warm and heavy suddenly covering her shoulders. It was Ben giving her his cloak, and she got a whiff of his smell as she wrapped it around for warmth. Something… leathery. And there were spices too. She saw the slight blush on his cheeks, and she had to resist the urge to bury her head in his chest to smell him more. 

Anyway, it was probably weird to want to do that. But it would certainly be pleasant. 

“What made you want to do all this?” Rey asked Ben instead, to bring her mind to _ other things _. “I mean, Niima Outpost has changed so much since I left.” 

Ben almost smiled. “I think it’s easy to guess,” he replied, looking at her with that softness she remembered seeing right before they entered Snoke’s throne room. 

And with that single gaze, Rey knew. Everything he had done on Jakku, it was all for her, and for all the other scavengers who were still in the same situation as she was, and who didn’t deserve to be left behind either. 

Without further ado, she hugged him tightly, not caring about anyone seeing the two of them. Ben seemed surprised at first at her spontaneity, but hugged her back without hesitation, even lifting her up from the ground. She laughed as she felt her feet in the air: he only hugged her tighter. 

“I don’t want you to feel like you’re indebted,” Ben added. “I just tried to make things a little better.” 

“Oh _ shh _,” Rey replied, her face still buried in his shoulder. Ben was wrong on that point: she rather liked the idea of him doing it all for her. 

And she was rather content that she had found a way to smell him more without looking weird. 

A slight cough behind Rey interrupted them, and Ben put her down gently, albeit while stifling a grunt. 

“_ What? _” he asked the stormtrooper near them. 

“Uh, sorry, Supreme Leader,” said the female voice under the helmet. “But we’re done with the evening rationing here. Permission to go off-duty? Tried to talk Relius into just letting us go but he said we had to ask you specifically.” 

Ben sighed. “Tell Relius that I’m not going to torture you for insubordination. I’m not Phasma.” 

“Oh, he knows,” the stormtrooper replied. “You know how fussy he is about protocol.” 

“Right, that,” Ben rolled his eyes. “How could I forget. Well, you can tell everyone they’re done for the day.” 

Without further ado, the stormtrooper removed her helmet, letting Rey see a girl, perhaps a little older than she was, with dark skin like Finn’s, large friendly eyes, and curly hair neatly tied into a bun. But she didn’t waste time before removing her hair tie as well, letting it all loose in a halo around her head. 

Things really had changed for the stormtroopers then, Rey thought. 

“She’s one of the lucky ones,” Ben said, guessing what was going on in her mind. “Those who get to work with me, that is. If you’re under Hux, on the other hand… it’s business as usual.” 

Rey shivered, remembering what Finn had told her about his life before he had escaped. 

“Can anything be done?” Rey asked. “We can’t just leave them there.” 

“I know,” Ben replied, sad. “We still have to figure that part out, though. Some get accustomed to a more… normal regime quickly. Others, well… some habits are hard to break.” 

They both slowly headed back towards the First Order ship parked near Niima Outpost, its dark silhouette becoming nearly invisible as dusk was replaced by night. Ben had had quarters prepared for her: despite Rey initially planning to sleep in the Falcon, she couldn’t find any reason to refuse. 

When they entered the ship, they were greeted by the Knights of Ren, who all bowed as they passed near them. 

“Are they your personal guard?” Rey asked once they were heading towards her quarters. 

“They’ve sworn loyalty to me,” Ben replied, remaining evasive. 

“Oh? So… did you recruit them?” 

Something wistful fell on Ben’s features. “No, they found me. They need me.” 

Rey took Ben’s hand, pressing it tightly between hers. “Will you tell me how? Or why?” 

Ben sighed. “Later. Walls have ears. All I’ll tell you for now is that they come from Wild Space, and they were looking for me, or rather… my family. I’m the only one who listened.” 

Rey’s breath cut short, as the puzzle pieces came together. “Was it… after what happened with Luke?” 

“Yeah. I probably would be dead in a Nar Shaddaa sewer by now if it weren’t for them.” At the thought of Ben’s limp, empty body, forgotten forever, Rey shivered, chasing away the thought. “So…” Ben continued, “you could say I owe them.” 

“Did they ask anything of you?” Rey asked. 

“They don’t have much of a choice,” Ben replied. “They’re cursed.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *this is my fic and i do whatever i want with the kor because jj is basic anyway* 
> 
> *but i can recycle some stuff anyway, maybe you noticed other stuff* *wink wink* 
> 
> *i'll see myself out, do leave a comment*


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even years later, Rey was unsure what came over her - perhaps it was what the Jedi referred to as the will of the Force, something omnipresent, waiting to be discovered, even if it would be impossible to ever understand it fully. But it was the beginning of something new, words from the softest female voice she had ever heard, which she’d come to repeat to herself over and over again, showing her the way to who she was always meant to be. 
> 
> Help. Heal. Comfort. Regrow. Resurrect. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long time no see! No worries, I haven't abandoned this fic - real life has caught up with me and let me with little time to write. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the following. 
> 
> (Also this wasn't beta'd so excuse the typos if there are any)

“Stop walking so quickly!” Rey shouted behind Ben. “And I have shorter legs than you do, you know!” 

Ben didn’t seem to hear at all - instead, his gaze remained focused on the Millennium Falcon as he advanced towards it, and it was only then that Rey noticed his deep breaths and the slight trembling of his clenched fists. She sighed, running towards him and grabbing his hand when she arrived by his side. Only then he stopped, looking down at her, and Rey noticed his watery eyes and the slight trembling of his lips. 

Rey found herself wondering when was the last time he had come aboard his father’s ship: flashes appeared in her mind of a mischievous little boy with dark hair and large ears running around, only to be succeeded by other pictures of the same child, only a few years older, hiding away while Han’s voice could be heard in a distance, with mentions of Luke faintly heard in the distance. 

Ben calmed down with Rey’s presence, even attempting a small smile. Rey pressed his hand encouragingly. 

“If you need time… I can wait for a bit. I don’t mind,” Rey reassured him. 

Ben shook his head. “No. The sooner we’re done with this, the better.” 

Rey couldn’t agree more, especially with the promise of truth and many discoveries lying ahead. She had barely slept the previous night - not just because of the darkness and silence of the First Order ship cabin where she was sleeping, but also of all the things Ben knew but that he couldn’t reveal to her right away - it wasn’t safe enough yet, he insisted. With Snoke dead, Rey had wondered all night what troubled him, trying to reason that the next few steps were as crucial as Ben insisted they were. 

They were to fly to Corellia on the Millennium Falcon, to avoid detection, since arriving on a First Order ship could easily betray their presence. The mere mention of the planet however was more than enough to once again tease Rey’s curiosity. 

Corellia, after all, was Han Solo’s home planet.

“Is there… a reason why we’re going there?” Rey asked. 

Ben smiled wistfully, guessing all too well what Rey meant. “Yes. Corellia is the center for ship factories in the Core Worlds. But there’s also something important I need to do there.” 

Rey bit her lip, hesitating for a split second before speaking again. “Is it about… Han?” 

“I guess,” Ben shrugged, scratching the back of his head in a failed attempt at carelessness. “I met people from his past in the last few months. Some I knew, and some I didn’t. They asked for my help. It won’t--” He let out a shaky sigh. “It won’t bring Dad back. But it’s _ something _.” 

They were at the entrance ramp now, and before Ben could get in, Rey grabbed him by the waist, hugging him tightly. She felt him tense for a moment, before he finally relaxed and wrapped his arms around her, his forehead resting on top of her head. 

“Once we get there,” Ben said, “you’ll have to hide your lightsaber. I’ll be hiding mine too.” 

Rey suddenly drew away, swallowing nervously. That was one thing she hadn’t told Ben yet… 

“Is there something wrong?” Ben asked, worried. 

“When… when we fought in Snoke’s Throne Room,” Rey started. “The lightsaber broke in half. The kyber crystal inside too. I haven’t been able to fix it since.” 

“Oh,” Ben replied. “Well… I’m not a lightsaber expert or anything, but… maybe we can look at it once we take off? But you said the kyber crystal broke? Can you still hear it sing, though? Or did it turn red?” 

Rey shook her head. “Both parts are still white and glowing. What do you mean by “sing”, though?” 

“Oh, that, it’s… hard to explain,” Ben replied. “Kyber crystals sound different for everyone. If I’m… compatible with one, I hear it sing. Or it…” He stopped for a moment, and Rey noticed the tip of his ears reddening in embarrassment. “Mine also... purrs.” 

Rey couldn’t help but laugh out loud. “Sounds very mystical,” she teased. Ben sighed and turned away - probably because his blush was spreading to his entire face.

“When I first found the lightsaber, it was in Takodana,” Rey continued. “It had a heartbeat sound. I can still hear it when I come near it, even if it’s broken.” 

“Wait, Maz Kanata had it all along? How did she even find it?” 

“I don’t know! She never explained to me. She just said something about the lightsaber choosing me, and--” Rey stopped, sighing deeply and shrugging in defeat. “I still don’t know what that was about.” 

A soft smile came across Ben’s features. “I think I know,” he replied. “I guess it helped me find you.” 

Rey blushed, lowering her head. “I mean…” she mumbled. “We… I kind of broke it and--” 

“We both broke it,” Ben interrupted her, gentle. “Because we’re idiots and even that lightsaber was sick of putting up with the two of us.” 

Rey laughed, and without further ado, she grabbed his hand and brought him inside the Falcon, leading him towards the cockpit. 

Chewie was awaiting them both, sitting in the copilot seat. 

“Aren’t you going to pilot, Chewie?” Rey asked. 

“_ No, _ ” the Wookie replied. “ _ I was saving the seat for Little Pup. _” 

Ben paled at that announcement, and for a minute, Rey was almost afraid he’d refuse. Chewie only chuckled. 

“_ Don’t try to tell me you can’t fly it, kid. You can. That’s the very reason why Han lost it in the first place. _” 

“Don’t remind me,” Ben growled. “I thought Mom was never going to let me hear the end of it.” 

“Wait, what?” Rey asked. “What happened?” 

Ben sighed. “I was fourteen years old, I was visiting my parents because they thought for once a vacation from Luke was a good idea, I didn’t want to go back, so I left with the Falcon. Dad may or may not have pretended not to notice anything. Then I fell across some bad people, I lost the Falcon, and I had to call my parents so they’d come and fetch me on Nar Shaadaa, and one of Mom’s assistants came, and they were clearly _ pissed _they had to babysit me instead of, I dunno, writing some amazing record of discussion about the Senate’s latest meeting about the management of nerf herd resources for Chandrilla, considering how the Noble House Committee of Chandrillian Ladies had complained that nerfs had a terrible smell. Happy now?”

Chewie chuckled, and Rey had to bite her lips herself. 

“Hey, it wasn’t my fault, okay?” Ben snapped back. “I won at sabacc and of course those bastards said I was cheating because I was just a snivelling fourteen year old.” 

“_ Did you, though? _” Chewie asked. 

“I didn’t use any of Lando’s tips!” Ben protested. “Using the Force doesn’t count as cheating either!” 

He hadn’t noticed Rey coming behind him, pushing him towards the pilot’s seat while Chewie helped her push him down. The Wookie was quick to get out of the cockpit, leaving both Rey and Ben alone. 

Rey sat down in the copilot scene, crossing her legs while waving them back and forth, sparing a quick glance on Ben’s side. She noticed the slight trembling in his clenched fists, and she couldn’t help but worry for a moment that he would storm out. 

“I’m not upset,” Ben suddenly said, startling her. “I just-- I never thought I’d be sitting here again.” 

“You probably won’t lose the ship this time,” Rey teased. He glared at her in response - but there was an obvious glimmer of amusement, and something darker within. Rey could feel her ears and neck heating up, and she hoped that her face wasn’t red. Thankfully, Ben had turned away, sighing deeply and powering the ship, his hands flying over the controls as if it all came naturally to him. 

“Well, at least I’m sure I won’t crash it,” Ben continued, his voice letting out a hint of teasing. “I know exactly where to knock if the engine suddenly shuts down.” 

“Oh!” Rey exclaimed. “That happened once. I just bypassed the compressor.” 

“You what?” Ben asked, and Rey fidgeted inside, preparing herself in advance for disapproval, remembering all too well the sting of Han’s lack of enthusiasm when she had done so. It was something she tried to keep as far away as she could in her mind, always focusing on the good memories and only the good memories. She straightened up, preparing herself. 

“I’m not upset at all, Rey,” Ben reassured her, guessing her insecurity. “I’m… actually impressed. And it’s also something that should be so obvious.” A glimmer of mischief appeared in his eyes. “Don’t tell Uncle Chewie though if he doesn’t know already. He might be a little jealous.” 

“It can’t be that bad,” Rey replied. “He _ is _letting you pilot the ship instead of stuffing you in a compartment.” 

Ben sighed. “Don’t laugh, but I was wondering this morning if he was going to do that. Lock me up in a compartment, I mean. I was a lot of trouble as a kid, so…” Rey burst out laughing. “I mean it! Han-- Dad didn’t tell half of what happened on trips with me and Chewie because Mom would have lost it if she knew. Anyway, I tried reassuring myself that I was too large for all of them, but then, I remembered the ones for spice…” 

“There can’t be any spice left in them… right?” Rey asked. “But… no, Unkar Plutt never had anything scavenged from this ship. So… you’re saying there might be smuggled goods left?” 

“He’s also no smuggler, from what I’ve seen,” Ben replied. “So there’s probably spice somewhere. And if Chewie had me get into those compartments, I would have arrived on Corellia very, _ very _high.” 

“And we don’t want that, right?” Rey asked, smiling. 

“Considering who we’re meeting? Not really.” Ben’s nervousness came back, making Rey all the more curious about what was to come. It was a shame, really - she didn’t remember seeing Ben so relaxed, in all the time she had known him. Any doubts she may still have had about her decisions in the last few days dissipated far away from her mind. Things _ felt _ right and, she told herself, she’d fight tooth and claw for it to stay that way. 

They both kept quiet until they jumped to hyperspace, but it was a silence Rey found somewhat comforting - it was one thing she had somehow missed from her old life on Jakku, but it came with only benefits and no inconveniences: she wasn’t lonely, not anymore. 

“So who is it we’re meeting?” Rey finally asked. 

Ben hesitated before replying. “Friends. Yeah, that’s how you could call them. They’re not family members, but… one of them was always very close to my family. He always offered to help me, no matter what, but… I didn’t think he’d understand for the longest time. I was wrong.” 

_ Because you came along, _she heard him say through the bond, as if he was almost afraid of saying it out loud. Rey couldn’t help but beam. 

“Anyway, we’ll be needing them for the Corellia takeover,” Ben continued, gaining some seriousness. “I can’t have Hux or any of his cronies anywhere close to the planet’s management once we’ll have to leave. And if we want a fighting chance, we’ll need the ship factories on our side. People have invested a lot in the First Order’s warfare. Any other force that’d try to go against it has lost in advance.” 

Rey swallowed a lump in her throat, remembering all too well the scarce resources the Resistance had. She pushed away any thoughts about it quickly - now was not the time to feel any guilt about her last few decisions. 

“Is that… why you’re not fighting with…” Rey winced, regretting her question already. 

“You mean, why I’m not fighting with the Resistance?” Ben asked, bitter. “That’s one reason, but it’s not even the main one. I’m not interested in fool’s errands. That sums it up pretty well. The First Order is a big dog, but it isn’t the biggest one. They have no idea.” 

“Then who--” 

“Soon, Rey. I promise.” 

Frustration came over Rey, but so did fear - Ben was keeping her in the dark for a reason. Rey hated such feelings of insecurity, but if anything, Ben was not one to coddle her and see her as a child. 

And despite it all, in his “soon”, Rey could sense hints of fear coming from him, something that had nothing to do with the contempt she felt when he mentioned Hux, or some other First Order figurehead - no, it was something else entirely. 

“Is Snoke back?” Rey suddenly asked. 

Ben glared at her in surprise. “Snoke-- what? No! No, he’s dead. I saw his body turn into dust myself when the First Order had his funeral. He’s not-- he just doesn’t exist anymore. The only way a Dark sider can somehow survive is with holocrons. I made sure those were destroyed. He always kept them close. I guess he didn’t expect I’d kill him.” 

“Are you sure of that?” replied Rey. 

He let out a heavy sigh. “_ Yes _,” Ben said, his tone making it clear he was not willing to speculate on any other possibilities of Snoke’s survival. “What I’m talking about… it’s something I was researching about. Before the-- the whole blow-up with Luke.” He winced. “Blow-up. That’s, um, not a good choice of words. Anyway, my issue here is that I’m missing a lot of vital information. I’m pretty sure it can only be found in the sacred texts of the Prime Jedi, but they’re not even in the Imperial Archives and--” 

“Oh!” Rey interrupted him. “I-- I’m not sure, but when I was with Luke… I think the planet where he was might have been… like, a Jedi planet before. I don’t know, he never really told me, but there was… something about that place. And it came to me in dreams--” 

“What planet?” Ben asked, turning towards her and staring at her in the eye. 

“Ahch-To. But there was pretty much nothing left, only ruins, but… I found books.” 

Ben leaned back into his chair, breathing heavily. “And those books were left without any supervising since. I just hope--” 

“I stole them.” Rey blurted out. 

“You _ what _?” 

She crossed her arms, scowling. “Hey, I wasn’t going to leave them there. Master Skywalker wouldn’t let me anywhere near them and he kept being vague about everything. He wanted me to leave, so I took his books to try to find out _ something _! At least I would have found out something, but I guess he couldn’t even use them because he couldn’t understand them! They’re not even written in Basic and meanwhile, everyone just expects me out of the blue to rebuild the Jedi Order, and fix the lightsaber, and teach others about the Force, and sometimes I even wonder if Master Skywalker himself knew anything--” 

“_ Rey _. I’m not angry.” Ben’s features were incredibly soft, and… was he holding back a chuckle? “This might be exactly the leap in my research I wanted to do for years.” He got up on his feet, grabbing Rey’s hands and lifting her from her seat as well. “Can you show them to me?” he asked. “Please.” 

She tilted her head. “But can you even read them? Threepio couldn’t even get through them himself.” 

“I’m guessing there hasn’t been a change in his programming in the last few years, because all Threepio can translate are living languages. The texts could be written in Tionese… yeah, that would make sense, Master Atris in the year 2458 before the rise of the Galactic Republic wrote her memoirs of the Malachor V disaster in Tionese and--” 

“Ben? Basic, please. Actually… I’ll just show them to you.” 

* * *

It took a solid ten minutes before Ben was finally able to say something. Rey had to admit there was something endearing about how his eyes were wide-eyed and his mouth half-opened, almost like a child’s. 

“Lightsaber building,” Ben suddenly exclaimed, pointing at a page. “I could translate this for you.” 

Rey glanced at the page, seeing sketches of lightsabers with designs far more elaborate than anything she might have seen before, while browsing on the holonet for auction sales of them (of course, the ridiculous prize the bidders would reach discouraged her from attempting to purchase one for herself). The double-bladed one seemed interesting, only because it resembled a staff which was still the weapon she was most used to. 

She remembered Ben’s own lightsaber - a red pulse of instability, that seemed ready to explode at any given moment. 

“Are you going to fix yours?” Rey asked. 

Ben sighed and shrugged. “I… I guess I could. With a new kyber crystal.” He stopped, biting his lip. “I don’t know if I could just… get rid of the one I have.” 

“Why would you do that?” 

Without another word, Ben grabbed his lightsaber from his belt, placing it on the table and, after a few efforts, the crossguard was open for Rey to see the inside. There was something chaotic and crude about it, the many cables seemingly the only thing keeping the ensemble stable. At the middle of it all, there was the kyber crystal - Rey didn’t hear it cry in pain or bleed, as Dark siders’ stolen kyber crystals were said to do. It was cracked, seemingly shattered in pieces, but it somehow all held together by some sheer force of will the crystal had… even if it looked like it could fall apart at any given moment. 

“What happened to it?” Rey asked. “Did Snoke break it?” 

“No,” Ben replied, keeping his head low. “It was me.” He cleared his throat. “I didn’t want to go to Snoke initially. I resisted him for years. The Knights-- well, we eventually came to a point where we thought we couldn’t be able to accomplish anything unless we asked Snoke to help us. And… let’s just say things got out of hand real quick. But so much of what he said before and after seemed more and more right. I couldn’t have been more wrong.” 

“It’s about their curse, right?” Rey asked. When Ben nodded, his head still down, she gently reached out to him. “I understand,” she added. “I mean, look at me now.” 

He lifted her gaze towards her, staring at her intently. “That doesn’t mean you’ll go through what I did. I’m not letting that happen. But even then… I feel like every time I try to do something right, it always comes back to bite me.” 

“Don’t say that!” Rey replied. “Just what you did with Jakku - no one has ever even thought of just paying attention to it. And no matter what happens… you never give up.” She poked his head, her eyes teasing. “You’re a real hard-head, you know that, right? That’s probably why we fight.” 

“Don’t remind me,” Ben grumbled, but Rey detected notes of amusement in his voice. “Anyway, about the crystal… my father gave it to me when I left to be with Luke. He said it was given to him a long time ago. By a long-dead friend, he said. When I went to Snoke, I needed to make my fall to the Dark Side believable. I just… couldn’t steal another. And I couldn’t make my crystal bleed, no matter what. So I broke it.” 

“Can’t it be fixed?” Instinctively, Rey reached out, and the cracked kyber crystal levitated towards her, coming out of the cable tangle it was trapped in. It slowly landed in her palm, and Rey gasped when she heard it purr in delight, and what felt like… relief. The warmth emanating from the crystal made her cover it with her other hand, attempting to keep what little comfort it experienced, even if it would just last a moment. 

_ No, _ Rey thought. _ It shouldn’t be this way. It should be whole again. _

Even years later, Rey was unsure what came over her - perhaps it was what the Jedi referred to as the will of the Force, something omnipresent, waiting to be discovered, even if it would be impossible to ever understand it fully. But it was the beginning of something new, words from the softest female voice she had ever heard, which she’d come to repeat to herself over and over again, showing her the way to who she was always meant to be. 

_ Help. Heal. Comfort. Regrow. Resurrect. _

When she opened her eyes and lifted her palm from her other hand, the kyber crystal nested in it had become whole again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of us @ Ben in this chapter, probably: "NERRRRRRRRRRD"

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr: @theprincessirulan
> 
> Twitter: @irinadefrance


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